October 12, 2002

Dear Dr. Beef,

I have been dating the same guy for a little over a year now. He is a really great guy, and we get along very well, but the problem is that every time we get intimate, he farts uncontrollably. Because I really like him, I have tried to be supportive. I have attempted everything from pretending not to notice to restricting his chili intake, but this problem is really affecting me. It has gotten to the point that anytime there is something odoriferous in the air, I become aroused. What can I do?

- Desperately seeking some fresh advice,
Salt Lake City, UT

Well, you can either cork his ass before you have sex or you might want to invest in a high-quality air freshener. You could get swimmer's nose plugs, but it might turn him off, rendering him completely worthless.

Good men are hard to find, and if this is his worst problem, oh, who am I kidding? Tell him to learn to control his flatulence or your going to make him live with it in one of those bubbles for a month. Either way, you can't lose.

Whatever you do, try to avoid getting too close to a skunk, for Cliff's sake! I'd hate to see you streaking after wild animals!

Do you think you can give me and my friend "Sue" an itsy-bitsy clue here? She likes this guy "Tom." She sits next to him in choir and they both had leads in the school musical. She can only see him at school and they have an unstable, on-and-off friendship. She's tried fakes like giggling for no reason and having me pretend to rate her on her singing. We caught him with his mouth hanging open only ONCE on that one. Anything you think we could do?

- Madelei

Well, Madelei, you could look to the previous letter for one real great way to get a guy's attention, though it may not be the attention Sue's looking for.

There are all sorts of ways she could get this guy's attention. She can come to choir dressed like Carmen Miranda. She could squawk her verses like a parrot. She could bring homemade cookies and pass them out to the entire class, making sure his has her number written on it in frosting. She could moon him. The possibilities are endless.

She could always do something totally boring, though, like striking up a conversation with him, maybe getting to know him and allowing him to get to know her.

Nah, the fruit-on-the-head would probably be better.


- Dr. Beef

© 2002, All images, text and design, except where noted, property of www.DoctorBeef.com. Contains images copyright of Word.com and Sissyfight.com.
Any use without permission strictly prohibited.