Column One
April 20, 2000

I'm not a doctor of psychiatry, but I play one on SF2K! Welcome to my new weekly column! I've noticed a lot of sissies out there with some real serious issues. I get asked all kinds of questions on the 'grounds, from rankers and newbies alike. So I thought I'd start this to help you all!!

And how am I qualified, you ask? Let me tell you. I worked at a drug store for seven and a half years. What does that have to do with anything? Well, let me tell you. People felt compelled to tell me their problems. People I knew who came in regularly. People who I'd never seen before. Problems that were simple. Problems that were downright scary. And, being a chatty, opinionated girl, I felt compelled to offer up my analyses, my suggestions, my solutions to their problems. And they were grateful. I was sort of the bartender of the retail world. So there lies my experience. Plus, I used to read "Ann Landers" all the time, and the advice columns are the first things I head to in any magazine. So I think I'm more than qualified! Don't you?

Dr. Beef.

Dear Dr. Beef,

My sister says that lollies make you fat, but I'm afraid I have a horrible addiction to them! Sometimes I will lick my lolly THREE TIMES in one recess period! How can I kick the habit before my butt rivals the broad side of a barn?

- Enormous in Eugene

Dear Enormous,

Don't worry! You would have to eat an awful lot of lollies to get fat! That is, of course, unless they are pure Butter Lollies, or Lard Lollies, or (eewwww) Big Fat Meat Lollies. Most lollies are fat free, so you should be safe. I recommend the old Dumdums brand, as they are smaller (meaning less sugar and less chance of growing portly), and because they simply are so darned tasty (mmm, cream soda)! And remember, licking lollies is a much better habit than, say, heroin addiction, or worse, internet chat-game addiction!!

When eating them at school, however, there is a more ominous side to lolly licking which has nothing to do with gaining weight. Sissies are often jealous of each other's lollies. When you choose to partake of a yummy little confection on a stick, you are risking the wrath of the other girls you happen to be hanging out with. Sometimes they will simply try to take it from you by grabbing at you. Or worse, they will scratch you as you are trying to enjoy it, causing you to choke excruciatingly. But of course, the most horrific example of lolly-envy would consist of a group of girls attacking you out of sheer spite AFTER having enjoyed one in front of them. That leads to tattling, and well, that's a whole new problem. As you can see, it all snowballs from there.

But, Enormous, I'm thinking the problem isn't the lollies at all, or getting fat. I think maybe you are hiding a deeper problem behind the lollies. I think when you choose to lick all of these lollies, you are suffering from low self-esteem, and to compensate, you've chosen yummy lollies as a sort of comfort. It lifts your spirits, in a sense, bringing your self-worth back up a few notches. This is due to the sugar rush a lolly creates. But you are not alone. It's a common problem among sissies. As sissies, we tend to turn to our favorite treat as if it were a friend, rather than face the real problem head-on. Maybe someone teased you in a jealous fit, or someone tattled on you for no reason, or maybe some nasty girl scratched you and you don't know why. These will lower your self-esteem in a heartbeat. But remember, little sissy, you are a great little girl! Know that you are an absolute wonder! And stand proud, Enormous!

Where can I dispose of my lolly wrappers?

- GinaMae

That is an excellent question, little one. What to do with the lolly wrappers? Well, let me tell you, there are lots of things you can do with them, each depending on the situation at hand. First thought among sissies would be to throw them in the garbage can. This is acceptable, but not always the best choice. Throwing them on the ground would be completely unacceptable, as we must all take pride in our schools! But merely tossing them hither or thither is so unimaginative.

I myself have found more creative ways of disposing of them. For example, if you don't mind a little itch, you can use them to boost your bust, which, since we are all still developing, will help you to get those high school boys to look twice at you! Or for the more revenge-minded sissy, a quick shove of a wrapper or two down the panties of the girl that just scratched you is a lot of fun! If you're a more domesticated sissy, you can make a lovely new dress, although, since our schools have dress codes, you will have to wear them when you go out with those high school boys you've so recently attracted with my earlier suggestion. Artistic sissies may turn to origami, or collages with their wrappers. After all, a self-portrait made of Tootsie Pop papers can be striking. I'm sure you can come up with more wonderful uses!

But probably the most useful advice I can give you for the disposal of lolly wrappers is: DON'T! A nice wad of wrappers can mean the difference between a nasty anal probe and total worship and release. What a lot of girls don't know is, the aliens we so dread abduction from favor our lolly wrappers as we would gold. That's actually why they abduct us in the first place - they're looking for wrappers! And when a sissy doesn't have any, they probe her, thinking that's where she keeps them (the reason for which is still quite unknown).

I hope that helps, GinaMae!

Dear Ask Dr. Beef,

Ever since I started playing Sissyfight 2000, I find myself driving to junior high schoolyards and trying to pick fights with female students. I've been arrested three times this week!

Help! How can I fight this compulsion?

- Compelled to Scratch

Dear Compelled,

Your question disturbs me.

I'm thinking that your problem lies in your own junior high school experience. I get a sense of hostility, possibly stemming from being teased by such girls in your own youth, and the need for revenge.

I'm guessing that maybe on the playground, you are something of a hotshot, and that's given you the confidence you didn't have in your own experience, the confidence you needed to stand up to the girls who bullied you. So now you are assigning to these new girls, who've done nothing to you, the personas of your former tormentors, causing you to go to them to prove to them that they can't hurt you anymore.

Well, Compelled, they really can't hurt you anymore. They are long gone, had a few kids, got fat, started seeing psychiatrists and got divorced. You have new friends now, friends that accept you as you are, who like you unconditionally as the sweet and devoted sissy that I'm sure you are! These sissies don't care if you are too skinny, or if your clothes are from K-Mart. They don't care if you wear glasses. They don't care if your parents divorced when you were little, causing the formerly-outgoing you to withdraw into yourself, becoming shy and unsure of yourself, unaided by the fact that you, as a preteen, enter into an ugly-duckling phase, meaning boys won't touch you with a ten-foot pole, and that you are completely no good at sports and hate academics, which, ironically, you are actually good at, but you grow bitter towards the kids that excel at those because creative kids aren't as rewarded for their talents as . . . ahem.

You need to focus on your new friends, here on the 'grounds! Forget about the past! Find a hobby! Like macramé, or join a checker club!

Or maybe I'm wrong. Maybe you just need to have sex (with consenting adults, of course!).

Dear Dr. Beef

I wonder how a nice, good-hearted, well-mannered sissy like myself can survive on the playground. I do everything I can to stomp out cheating, stop gangbangs, etc. . . .. yet, it doesn't seem to help any. I think I've run off the cheaters, and next room there's two or three more. How can I keep on fighting the evils of the playground? How can I keep my morale up? Oh please, Dr. Beef, help me. I feel as though there is no point in continuing to try!

- Confused and Worn out Sissy

Dear Confused,

First of all, remember, Confused, you are not alone. There are hundreds and hundreds of sissies just like you, all wanting to make a difference. And you are. It may seem like there are thousands and thousands of these horrible girls, and maybe there are, but I've found, most of them don't hang around too long. Either they just stop coming to school, or they must change their names to return, both of which mean there are a lot fewer at one time than one might expect.

All you can do is keep fighting! Fight for your school! Fight for your friends! Fight for yourself! It does make a difference, and what's more, you feel better having done your part.

Fighting the problem can manifest itself in many forms. Of course, there is the most obvious - simply taking them out and beating them into submission. But probably more effective even than that is to help raise our newbies right. Teach them when you can. Give them guidance and love. Show them what friendship means, and how important that is to survive on the mean playgrounds. Most newbies will soak it up like a thirsty plant! And your reward is a new friend, a new soldier for your army, and a more pleasant playground! Then when you do come across the nasty ones, or when they do, everyone will know what to do!

Dear Dr. Beef,

I have fallen madly in love with another sissy who I discovered is really a boy. He and I are very different though - I'm a kitten and he's a - well, I don't want to give up his identity, but let's just say he's a member of the rodent family. Do you think our love can ever be? Or will I spend the rest of my life as a sissyspinster?

Tragically yours,

- Kittenbaby

Dear Kitten,

Of course you can love this sissy. It's perfectly natural. The fact that you are a "kitten" and that he is, as you say, "a member of the rodent family," doesn't matter as long as you both love each other. Granted, kittens tend to eat rodents, but I don't think that's going to be a problem. By referring to yourself as a kitten, you are telling me you are playful, cute, full of energy and sweet. As for him, you don't state what kind of rodent, and that could mean a fluffy bunny or a dirty rat. It could mean a squeaky guinea pig or a feisty shrew. Whatever the case, you both have to be willing to live with each other's differences, even celebrate them! After all, that's what makes it interesting!

A more troubling problem to me is that you say he's a boy, infiltrating your school as a girl. Now THAT could pose a problem. It could be he's a fetishist, or a transsexual, or a pervert, or simply a liar. You might want to further investigate this before moving into a relationship with this sissy. Good luck, Kitten!

Dear Dr. Beef,

I need some advice. I hope you can help me.

#1) My name has recently undergone a "phenomenon" because I rock, and I've decided that my greatness should be reflected in my name. Some sissies are calling this a reflection of my swelled head. Some seem to be being mean and saying I have developed some sort of attitude; even some of my friends are being mean. I believe they are jealous because I rock and they probably do not. And even if I do have a "big head," too damn bad for them. What the hell is their problem??

2) I have some issues with commitment, so to try and help me with this: I bet my friend $100 I would go out with my current boyfriend for at least 3 months. It's been almost 2, but I'm soo bored of him. I started going out with this other guy as well, so I could do what I want and not have to pay, but I'm feeling guilty. What do I do?

3) Audrey Horne is stalking me. she's mean, and evil, and makes fun of me. What can I do? I try to be nice but she is ruthless. It's an urgent matter. I've actually started to rock less because of this. HELP ME!!!

4) I friend of mine has a bizarre obsession with toast. I'm worried. what can I do?

- kelly9ROX

Dear kelly,

I don't normally answer more than one question per troubled sissy, but your troubles concerned me! You have some problems, girl! First of all, you need to pay more attention in grammar class! I had to correct some major errors in your typing! But all that aside, I want to help you, child!

For your first question, if you choose to have this name, then go with it. But it doesn't sound like the name is the issue here, but rather the attitude that has apparently come with it. You do seem a bit cocky, but there's no law against that. However, if that's the tone you are choosing to take with your friends, then you have to expect some backlash. Maybe this is the real you, coming out of your shell. Maybe it's all an act. The point is, your friends knew you a certain way, then you suddenly changed. Of course they are going to question it. So don't be so hard on them. Remember, respect is not just handed out; it must be earned and it must be given to be received.

As for number two, the fact that you are feeling guilty is a good sign. It shows you have a heart. So follow it. People are not toys and you shouldn't gamble on someone's emotions. How would you feel if the new boyfriend was playing you for a bet? Probably not too good. You are wasting this young man's time, time that he could be spending with someone who cares for him as he is. So you lose a hundred bucks. Cut him loose and stick with the new guy. You'll feel all warm and toasty inside!

On to number three. . .don't worry about it! You can't expect everyone to like you, and if she doesn't - so what? Avoid her when you can. She can only make you rock less if you let
her. . .

And this toast-obsessed person just sounds like some sicko. . .

That's all for this week, sissies! I hope you enjoyed it! I'd like to thank each of the sissies who sent in questions for my virgin column and to those sick individuals who encouraged me to do this! You know who you are!

An extra super duper magnifico special heart-felt thanks to my dear friend, DawnWiener, for creating the fab-u-lush graphic to go along with this! You are a super swell gal!

And to all of you out there, fight hard, hug a newbie, and come to me with your problems, same bat-time, same bat-channel!

See you next week!

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