October 28, 2002

Dr. Beef,

There is a small hotdog stand by my house that sells the best tasting gyros I've ever had in my life. However, whenever I eat one, it comes out the other end about 3 minutes later and is very unpleasant. It's like floodgates opening out of my ass. I don't want to stop eating them because they are so good, but I'm tired of having a mudslide come out of my ass. What should I do?

- Splattering the walls in
Chicago, IL

Do you possibly have a girlfriend in Salt Lake City, Utah?

You've got a real problem here, don't you? You could stop eating the gyros, thereby removing the problem entirely, filling the craving with something else, like cigarettes or alcohol.

If you can't live without the gyros, however, your problem becomes more complex. You could limit your consumption of these tasty sammiches, making sure to eat them when no one's going to be home to smell of your impending release of evil death most foul into our sewer system. You should also be sure to partake of them when your own rectum is prepared for the heat of a thousand fires straight from the hell that is the kitchen of Nikko's Gyros. Remember, kids! Gyros are dangerous in so many ways and should not be taken lightly!

That not your bag of plastic spiders? Why not drink a bottle of Immodium AD before eating one? Maybe you could make a milkshake out of the stuff and drink it AS you're eating the poo-on-a-pita! If your gyros comes with fries, you could even dip them in it (believe it or not, dipping fries in your shake is actually quite tasty).

Not into milkshakes? My final suggestion would be a bit more permanent and rather costly, but if you're already a cigarette-chomping, lactose-intolerant drunk who lives in a frat house, then this may be your only option. Have a colostomy. Then, when you erupt, it'll go all into a nice neat little bag which you could then toss in the trash or as a fun new form of "flaming bag of crap" to be used upon your worst enemies or just someone you need to get back at in a big way.

Good luck on your fecal endeavors!

- Dr. Beef

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