Column Two
June 2, 2000

Hello again, beloved Sissies! Judging from the amount of letters I've received, there are some really sick puppies out there! This week we have quite the variety of issues, from technical issues to matters of the heart; from "wanna knows" to just plain weird. We have spork issues, @$$ scans, cannibalism, many things going in and out of Sissies' tiny bodies, and so much more!

So I still have a job this week! Wheeeeeee!

I won't yammer on too much up here today, as we have a lot of Sissies in need of service this week. So why don't we get on to it? Swell!

Dear Dr. Beef,

I'm a relatively new Sissyfighter (playing a couple of months now but don't log on very often - just don't have that addictive personality I guess) and I admire you for sharing your time - not to mention your considerable wit - with the community. [I swear, I didn't coach her on this - Dr. Beef] I also had warm fuzzy feelings for DawnWiener [nor this, for that matter - Dr. Beef] for supplying that lovely picture of you, but on closer inspection it appears that your butt is showing. In fact, the image kinda looks like a cat doing its thing in a litter box. Although I'm one of the stoner kids, I'm definitely not high now and the picture still looks risqué. Am I crazy? Does your butt really show? Was this DawnWiener's funny way of showing affection? Or aggression? Thanks for your help.

I'm so confused,

- comatose

Dear comatose,

I felt it necessary to comment on this very important question first. Thank you, first off for your kind words. It's very much appreciated.

As for your question, I think it is best explained in a limerick I posted on RamonaQ's Fab-U-Lush message boards (see links page) a few days ago:

There once was a Sissy named Beefi
Who wouldn't eat anything leafi
She flirted with Dawn
And sat her @$$ on The scanner that would make a nice picture of it so she could send to him 'cause she said she would and he didn't believe her but she really wanted to and he desperately wanted to see it so she figured what the heck she might as well just do it since she'd never really done anything quite that wacky and if she didn't well Dawn would be upset and she didn't want to cause him any griefi

I hope that answers your question, coma! It's an old joke that goes way back between two Sissies who seem to share a similar, somewhat twisted sense of humor. Dawn is my dear friend, and I'm rather flattered by his wonderful depiction of me and by the time he spent to do it. It's all in good fun!

Dear Dr. Beef,

I know I'm probably not very smart about these things, but can you please explain what "Spork in Eye" means?

Yours in sissyhood,

- Kittenbaby

Dear Kitten,

The expression "spork in the eye" is very much like a regular "fork in the eye" threat, but with a spork, instead. And if you don't know, a spork is one of those neat little utensils that KFC used to give out (last time I was there, I didn't get one, the pigs!) that mates a fork with a spoon. It's kinda like a spoon with teeth. I love 'em! SPORKS! Yay! If someone would ever market a set of silver sporks, I'd be the first in line! Sporks are . . . uh, oh, sorry.

So anyway, it's a threat of violence, but not terribly harsh. I'd say it was probably said more in jest than in anger. I hope that helps you, Kitten. I wouldn't want you to lose too much sleep on that one!

Dear Dr. Beef,

I don't know if you asked this question before or anything, but it's something I'm always curious about. Where did people first find out about SissyFight? I, myself, was a devout follower of Word.com and came upon it one day. Is everyone like me? Probably not.

- groove girl

That's a swell question, groove. Unfortunately, I cannot answer for every Sissy, but I can give you some ideas. And I can tell you how I found it. Many magazines have featured it, like Entertainment Weekly, Seventeen and Wired among others, I'm sure.

Also, there have been websites other than Word.com that have featured it, although I'm not terribly sure of which ones.

I myself was told about it by a former co-worker/current friend who heard about it on the radio. He loved the premise of it, and thought I would too. Strangely enough, he's never actually played, while I'm so deeply enthreaded in the community, that I'm now writing an advice column for it.

But I'd say Sissyfight 2000 has probably grown more from word of mouth than anything else.

Dear Dr. Beef,

At first when I found Sissyfight, the world seemed to make sense again. Lately I've been having some problems, though. The text info on the blackboard in my homeroom shows up as just a bunch of unidentifiable crazy nonsense. The changing text in the homeroom doesn't even resemble the English alphabet in any way, but in every other part of the game it remains crystal clear. I have had this problem since I first started Sissyfight, and I have tried EVERYTHING to fix it. Is there a solution to this? I must know.

My next problem is even more urgent! As I said before, Sissyfight made my life complete when I first found it, but for the last two months, I have almost entirely quit playing because I cannot seem to finish a game. EVERY SINGLE TIME I try to play I get mysteriously kicked off the game. I'll be in the middle of a move or statement and the game will just seem to pause. After awhile (about 60 seconds, I suppose), a window pops up telling me that there has been no communication with the server for 60 seconds. This ALWAYS happens, without fail, sometime during the first 3 minutes of my game. I don't know what to do about this. I've even uninstalled and reinstalled Shockwave, thinking that might have something to do with it but it doesn't seem to help - NOTHING HELPS. Oh how I miss the succulent taste of my lolly, the musical chant of a well orchestrated tease, the feel of warm blood beneath my fingernails. Oh please, Dr. Beef, help me return to my vale of paradise before I grow up and move on . . .


- Feels like a kid who found the perfect friends and now his dad got a transfer and is moving the family to Kalamazoo

Dear Kalamazoo,

Your problems, dear, are more technical related. The problem with your garbled homeroom text has actually been addressed on RamonaQ's aforementioned Fab-U-Lush message board (again, see links section of this site), but if that still doesn't help you (or if you simply cannot find it in the vast landscape of words, pictures and general silliness of the boards), send some Feedback to Word directly from the SF2K site. Claudia and Tootsie and the others are very helpful and hopefully they can assist you. Or maybe everyone's talking in code just to throw you off. Always a possibility.

As for the second part, what you are experiencing is extremely common. It's what's come to be known as "alien abduction." None of us like it particularly, but we've all experienced it more than we care to. There are good days and bad, although I've personally found that I'm getting abducted less these days. There's really no way of avoiding it, although, if you go back to GinaMae's question last time, you can find out how to keep the aliens from probing you anally, a violation NONE of us are particularly fond of!

So be patient, Kal. All you can do is keep trying to get back on, maybe in another school. Keep fighting!

Oh Dr. Beef!

This is SERIOUS!!! I am a relatively devoted Sissy. I play every day and I am nice to those who are nice to me. I try to make friends, but I feel SOOOOOO left out! A lot of Sissies have such strong friendships with one another, but I am having a hard time. I do have "issues," if you will, with trusting people, so I know that may indeed be a part of my problem. However, if I am in homeroom or on the playground, I make nice with someone and they seem to forget about me the next day! Another problem I have come across is that I may go on the playground and find two sissies that have a strong bond, then with the 3 of us left, I feel trapped. I do not want to cower the whole game, yet if I should scratch or grab someone I inevitably get attacked! Help Dr. Beef! You are my only hope!

- The friendless Lynn917

Dear Lynn917,

You must be patient. It takes a while to form bonds with other sissies. I know it's hard, but we all go through it. I myself did. If I made it past being ganged up on for any number of reasons, then I always ended up on the losing end of a three-way friendship at the end, because the other two invariably were better friends. I mean, shoot, if I was in a game with BriAnn, I worried that there was something wrong with her if she didn't take me out by the end. And now she's my bud. But you see, I was polite and gracious always, and I think others remembered that. Sometimes, often, I even joked about it. And they liked that.

What I recommend is to find two or three sissies you really like and go to them each and every time you see them. You'll gain a few friends initially, then they'll introduce you to more and before you know it, you'll be sitting in rooms for 3 or 4 hours a night just chatting. Always keep in mind, persistence and consistence are the keys. With so many names out there to remember, it gets confusing. But if you see the same few names everyday, complete with the personalities that go with them, it's more comforting and leads to trust. And they'll feel the same way. Then you can branch out. I'm not saying ignore others while you're doing this. You can definitely be friendly with more than the few core friends. But a little focus helps you to start.

Sissyfight 2000 is a community. And that community is reflective of life in general. Sure, you may have 40 friends, give or take, of course, in real life, but how many of them would you consider telling your deepest darkest secrets to? Relatively few, I'm sure, unless you're a blabbermouth! Sissyfight is the same way.

And remember, Lynn, you are not alone. We all just wanna be loved. Is that so wrong?

zorbus has a problem Dr Beef. zorbus feels great pangs of guilt. The problem is this, zorbus was raised by pigs. This is not the problem. zorbus loves her BBQ pork flavored lollies. Ask Talking Tina; she has seen zorbus swallow 3 whole lollies, stick and all, in one game!!! She started to laugh and then barfed on zorbus' shoes. Apparently zorbus had made her laugh and grossed her out at the same time. This obsession with pork lollies causes zorbus great grief. How can zorbus feel good? zorbus feels like a cannibal eating her pork lollies and then going home after school to her family who are the porks. I mean pigs. zorbus CANNOT give up her pork lollies but she also loves her mommy and her 37 brothers and sisters. What is zorbus to do?


- zorbus

Dear zorbus,

You have a major problem. But I think you are looking at it in the wrong light. The question isn't "how do I choose?" but rather, "why do I do it in the first place?" That is what you need to ask yourself.

Why do you eat pork lollies? You need to look inside yourself for the answer. Is it because you resent the fact that you were raised by pigs, love them as you may? Is it because you feel self-conscious about having swine as your family, while the rest of the girls in class have people? Maybe that's why you feel the need to make others, like Tina, laugh at you and regurgitate on your shoes. Is it because you are just merely insecure?

Maybe it's a combination of all of these, and maybe more. I'm sensing that you have some major anxiety within yourself that causes you to feel like you must make such a bold statement. By choosing pork lollies over say, chicken or bleu cheese lollies, you are trying to tell people that you are tough, that no one can hurt you. The lollies represent your deepest insecurities, and by ingesting them, you are ingesting the pain, the fear, the loneliness, the resentment, so they can be digested by your stomach's harsh acids, rather than letting them fester in your tender heart.

You need to look down into your little Sissy soul. Look hard! See the beauty that's in your heart. You obviously love your family, and you should be very proud of who you are and where you've come from. It can't have been easy for a sow to raise a Sissy in addition to all her little piglets, and she should be admired. My hat's off to her, and to you, zorbus! Now go kiss your mother!

Dear Dr. Beef,

I never have any luck meeting boys on the playground. Is there a Sissyfight dating service you could recommend?

- Leanneg

Dear Dr. Beef,

Please help me! I am in love with a certain Sissy. He's soooooooo hot and so funny. I really think I'm in love. The problem is, there are some other girls that like him too! How can I outshine the competition and win this Sissy's heart?

- No Name, No Email

I felt I could answer these two in one shot. So here goes! Buckle your seatbelts!

Leanne and No Name,

While there isn't a dating service, per say, SF2K is what you make of it. If you are looking for boys, you must get out there and mingle. There are lots of them to be found. Talk to the other Sissies. Hang out. Eventually, you'll find the ones with that little something extra under their skirts, and hopefully make some neat friends in the process.

It's important that you be yourself, as you would in the real world. You can't make someone like you. The same rules apply here as in real life. The only difference is that you can't fall for someone based on looks. As for outshining the competition, there's no real way of doing that. You could make stuff up to get him to like you, but if you're doing that, then he doesn't really like YOU, now does he? No, he likes this fake person you've created just for him. And that won't work for long. He'll catch on and see right through you soon enough. And then you've just created an unnecessary enemy.

One thing I've found is, you must be able to like each other as friends or love will never take hold. And if you go looking for it, it will evade you. The heart works in mysterious ways. Who knows? You could end up with a love child like Dawn and I did! (Sends smooches out to dear little maggie ann. Don't stay up to late, sweetie, and do your homework, and brush your teeth, and don't eat too much chocolate, and are you wearing clean underwear?)

But I'll tell ya one thing, a good @$$ scan can't hurt!

Dear Dr. Beef,

I am in somewhat of a pickle, if you know what I mean. My problem actually has greatly to do with pickles. I have them coming out of my wazoo!!! I can't keep this a secret anymore. I've been having this problem for some time now and I've simply tried to hide it by making it seem like I like pickles and I always "just seem" to have them to give away. I'm sick of the lies, the storytelling, the hiding. I even have to wear a special diaper!!! HELP!!!

- Nairda

Have you tried a medical doctor? If they can't help you, well, then you have to decide what you are going to do: pity yourself or revel in your difference. It's the proverbial half-full, half-empty debate. You can simply hide it, and be ashamed of yourself, or you can make your gift work for you! Remember, there's a fortune to be had if you play your cards right! Where would we be if Mr. Vlasic had just cowered in a corner, hiding his amazing endowment from the world? So go out there and do it, Nairda! Pickles for everyone! Just make sure you properly sanitize them! We don't want sissies running around getting sick and throwing up on zorbus' shoes!

Now on to . . .

Dear Dr. Beef,

As a child I swallowed a thermometer. (I mistook it for candy; don't ask why. To this day I don't know the answer.) I am still waiting for it to come out. Do you have any advice on how to speed up the process?

Thank you!

- Most distressed

Dear Distressed,

As I don't know how old you are, I don't know how long this thermometer has been inside you. I'd say you should go to the hospital, have some surgery or something.

Or you could become a weather Sissy.

Or maybe you should see Nairda about some pickles. I hear they help you let loose . . . which brings us to . . .

Dear Dr. Beef,

Every time I enter a game of Sissyfight, I find that I suddenly need to visit the $hitter. It's very inconvenient, since no one likes to sit around and wait for an absent Sissy. So I am forced to play in extreme discomfort. I've tried changing my diet, but it didn't help. I am thinking the problem may be psychological. Help me. I just can't take it anymore.

In the crapper,

- waywardgrrl

Well, wayward,

You COULD move your computer into the bathroom. Or have an enema party an hour prior to playing . . .

Dear Dr. Beef,

Should I quit graduate school to play Sissyfight more often? I just can't seem to find enough time for both.

- Torn Between Two Lovers in Asheville, NC

Good question, Torn.

It depends on what your major is. If you have a really sucky major, then heck yes, you should quit school and become a professional Sissyfighter! But if you are pursuing something you love, then you've got to keep plugging away. Too many people forget their dreams, or, for whatever reason, decide not to follow them. This is sad. And it leads to grouchy old people who have nothing but misery to pass on to their loved ones and those they encounter. Make life what you want it to be.

Sissyfight will wait for you. And we'll welcome you back with open grabs!!

Of course, you can still play on weekends, holidays, spring, summer and winter breaks, and after you've finished your homework, young lady!

Dr. Beef,

1. I want to scream at people who flood the homeroom with unnecessary and rude gobbledygook while the rest of us are trying to have a civilized conversation. In fact, I want to do more than scream. I want to perform gross and inhumane acts of violence against them. Is this normal? Should I just increase my dosage of Prozac?

2. Some Sissies, upon first meeting me, try to be clever by making a tired and clichéd attempt at evoking the bard by yelling in 18-point Helvetica, "TAME THE SHREW." Is there a neon sign over my head that I'm missing? How can I arrange some sort of deal where every time I hear that, the offending Sissy pays a $200 fine?

3. Two newbie Sissies are playing a game. One licks her lolly at the rate of 1 lick per 90 seconds, the second licks her lolly at the rate of .25 licks per 90 seconds. If both are approaching each other from a distance of 240 pixels, how long will it be until one of them tattles?

4. Am I really that "feisty" [re: "By referring to yourself as a kitten, you are telling me you are playful, cute, full of energy and sweet. As for him, you don¹t state what kind of rodent, and that could mean a fluffy bunny or a dirty rat. It could mean a squeaky guinea pig or a feisty shrew." - from last week's column, question by Kittenbaby]?

"If I be waspish, beware my sting." - Taming of the Shrew, William Shakespeare
- Shrew

Ahh, Shrew, honey, you are my "Man, That Sissy Has Issues!" winner for this week. So here goes!

As for your first question, yes, it is absolutely normal to want to "perform gross and inhumane acts of violence against" such rude and ignorant Sissies who flood the homeroom board. But you must remember, these are more than likely 12-year-old boys who like nothing more than to annoy people. So of course, yelling at them only makes it worse. If you have lots of time, you can wait it out, ignoring it until their mommies call them in for dinner, or you can make a room and call your friends to join you. I personally l prefer this method, because then you can see all of your Sissyfriends' beautiful Sissyfaces!

I'm particularly interested in your second question, as it is something that I face everyday myself. Being that my name is "Beef," you can imagine the comments that I get. Vegetarians instantly hate me (which is silly, because the name is not a statement of any kind, nor has anything to do with my food preferences). I hear "where's the beef," and "it's what's for dinner" at least once per game (except those full of friends). Not to mention that other Sissies think I'm a boy because of it (I am NOT a boy). But I take it in strides, although I really do wish we could implement your $200 plan. We all, I should point out, had the option to choose whatever name we saw fit. And with that choice, we must accept the consequences that go with it. When someone says something so obvious to me, I make light of it by turning it back on them, by telling them what incredible wit they posses, and that no one ever thought of saying that to me. Or sometimes I'll just point out that if I had a
dime. . .

The third one's easy. They'll both be choked out before they have the chance.

And lastly, was she talking about you, Shrew? How did I not see that before?

In closing, I want to once again thank all of you who sent me their problems! My mailbox was full this week, overflowing, if you will, and I was delighted! Also, a shout out to all of you, both those I know and those I don't, who came up to me on the playgrounds to tell me that you enjoyed the last column! It really does mean a lot to me, as does this column! And thanks, of course, to the Staff of Sissyfightnews for allowing me this space! Okay, now I'm getting all choked up, and not from lollygagging!

So keep sending me those problems! You know the address . . . Beef@DoctorBeef.com .

See you next week!






© 2000, All images, text and design, except where noted, property of www.DoctorBeef.com. Contains images copyright of Word.com and Sissyfight.com.
Any use without permission strictly prohibited.