Column Three
June 16, 2000

Hello, beloved Sissies! I'm back for yet another week of problems! I need to apologize for the tardiness of the column. It's been one of those weeks. But those are MY problems, and we're here to solve YOUR problems! That's what I do, you know.

Before we begin, a quick shout out to Elly Ot Ness and Exena! It was great meating (pun very much intended) you both and I wish you the best of luck on your move and your new venture! And come back to see us soon!

Also, I want to warn you about a recent problem that has no doubt made it to our precious playgrounds: drug-tainted lollies! It has come to my attention that a shipment of said lollies was recently seized by the U.S. Government. I know not all of you are American, but that doesn't mean that they haven't reached you abroad. This was only one batch, meaning they are probably out there everywhere. Apparently some bozo realized the market for lollies these days on our fine playgrounds and figured he could make a lot of money fast. But we won't stand for it! Please, know your source. Don't accept lollies from just anyone. And if they look suspicious, or are covered in white powder, turn them over to the authorities, your teachers, your recess chaperones, or your parents. Whatever you do, DO NOT partake of these foul confections! Drugs will trap you in your little Sissybodies forever!

Now onto you twisted lot.

Dear Dr. Beef,

I am the administrator of a busy message board dealing with a popular internet game. Most of the registered users there are very sweet and I love them dearly, but a few of them persist in bickering, flaming, name-calling and posting off-topic messages to the wrong forum. I hate having to step in and reprimand them, but I've tried asking nicely and that didn't work. This is causing me extra work and grief, and some of the nicer posters are getting frustrated with the situation, too. What's a poor board administrator to do?


- AnonymousQ

Dear AnonymousQ,

Indeed you have a deep problem.

I've said this before in this column, and I'll say it again. SF2K is very much reflective of the real world around us. We can't always expect to get along with everyone else. That's asking the impossible. Life doesn't work that way, and neither does SF2K. And really, if everyone got along, SF2K, as well as real life, would get pretty boring. But I think we understand that.

What we also must remember is that, as in the real world, we should follow real world rules. Your message board is similar to a business, if you will. Or maybe a community center. Either way, as administrator, manager, "owner" even, of your business or center, you have every right to expect certain behavior from your patrons. In real life, if a person went into an establishment and started spewing forth obscenities, they would promptly be removed. If a person went into a store and got into a shouting match with another customer, they would be escorted from the building, by force if necessary. And your board should be no different.

Freedom of speech is a wonderful privilege, but it has its place. If we have a beef (pardon the expression) with another Sissy, we must remember to handle it on the playground, or for serious issues, on our own time and space. Have some consideration for the administrators of the fine message boards(who, by the way, do not get paid for their time and effort to keep them up and running smoothly), and for the other Sissies who are there for enjoyment and enlightenment from others. Squabbles don't belong there, unless of course, that's what the administrator is going for.

What I recommend, AQ, is that maybe you could post one message stating "Rules and Regulations" that you deem appropriate, complete with consequences for breaking them. It could be your "No Shirt, No Shoes, No Service" policy of sorts. It should be each individual Sissy's responsibility to read and follow them. If they break the rules, they get reprimanded accordingly. If they reach a certain number of violations, they are barred from the board, as they would be in any real life establishment. If they say they've not read the rules, that's their problem, as long as the rules are adequately posted.

It may seem harsh, and a lot of work, but I think if you stick to the consequences accordingly, regardless of your feelings for an individual Sissy, I think it will come to work beautifully in a very short time. Once they know you mean business, I think they'll shape up. Now, it'll only work if you are firm, so be a tough little Sissy!

I hope this helps, AQ! If you need help developing policies or want to talk more on the subject, please let me know and I'd be glad to further help you. You know how to reach me!

Dear Dr. Beef,

When I go out on the playground, many of the girls start to tease me from the very beginning. I think it's cuz I'm not very pretty. They always pick on the ugly girls! I can't help it if I'm green and heavily browed. My Mom says it's better to be green than to be an albino like my uncle Troy. Why can't the other girls see that I'm pretty on the inside? Please help me, Dr. Beef!


- Foamy in Iowa

Aah, Foamy, it's not easy being green, according to a certain well-known, pig-infested frog. Nor is it easy being Cro-Magnon in a Homo Sapien world. But for some reason, people insist on judging people, even Sissies, by their looks. We can't escape it even here, although we're all not that shallow, Foamy. I, for one, have never decided whether or not to befriend a Sissy based on their chosen looks, and I know I'm not the only one out there with that attitude. Heck, my best Sissyfriend, in fact, wears the face that most consider the "ugly face," and I'm not the only one who adores him - he's one of the most popular Sissies out there.

So don't worry, Foamy. You just need to muddle through and chat up all the little Sissies out there. Eventually you'll find the good ones!

For more on this very interesting topic, see DawnWiener's thread, "The Psychology of Faces" on the Sissyfight School Board, under the "Sissy Talk" topic. He had some well-articulated, insightful observations to share with us, and many other Sissies added their own to follow, including yours truly!

Want more feelings of inadequacy? Read on. . .

Dear Dr. Beef,

I am suffering from Sissy-envy and need your help. Every time I see DawnWeiner, I feel incredibly inadequate. See, Dawn has a full-scale harem, and I do not! Every time I see Dawn, he's surrounded by all the harem girls and I can't seem to get any attention at all. So what's the secret? How do I convince all the cute sissy gals to join my harem? Do I need to offer a 401k? Dental/Medical benefits? How can I build up my harem and make Dawn jealous?


- Sissyman Jackie Brown

Oh, Jackie. Poor poor Jackie. You are suffering from a nasty case of Wiener Envy, and it's not pretty!

Dear Sissy, you need to stop trying to keep up with the Dawnses and start keeping up with Jackie! Only Dawn can be Dawn, Jackie. Girls, and guys for that matter, like Dawn because he's real, well, at least as real as a small pixellated girl can be. He doesn't make pretentions about who, or what he is. And he's one of a kind.

If you stop focusing on what he has, and just be Jackie Brown, you might find them flocking to you, as well. You don't need to offer them monetary benefits, or at least not most of them, to get girls to like you. Handing out a 401K plan to a Sissy to get her to love you will just ensure that she is hanging with you not for who you are, but for what you can give her. And who wants a girl like that? You just have to be a good, sweet, caring Sissy who knows who he is and can make his girl laugh. Girls like an honest man, Jackie. And a cute butt.

So stop the Wienerwatching. Read the next question, and see what it's like to be
popular. . .

Dear Dr. Beef,

I have a problem a lot of sissies wish they had. . . my group of friends is too large! Whenever I go into a room, it fills up quickly, and not everyone can get in to chat and/or play, so I end up feeling bad because some sissies invariably get left out of the evening's fun, and I miss talking to them. I know they feel like second class citizens, and I wish they could be included, but there are only six to a room. (And don't bother suggesting we chat in the homeroom, because there's always some idiot scrolling in there.)

What do I do?


- Too Many Damn Friends

Who complains about too many friends? This is unheard of! But you sound in pain over the whole thing. Dr. Beef wants to help. Why don't you bring a nice bottle of sparkling Pepsi and some clear plastic wrap over to my "office," and we can talk about it in private. Oh, jeez.

Okay, okay. I'll answer it here. First of all, dear, don't feel bad because you are so loved. I mean, poor Jackie Brown would probably TATTLE for your problem, for Cliff's sake! It's undoubtedly because of your sweetness, charm and wit that Sissies flock to you.

You obviously have a lot to offer the beplaygrounded, or you wouldn't have so many friends. You are right about one thing: the homeroom is not a terribly good place to chat. Between flooders and all the multitudes of Sissies talking all at once, it's truly dizzying to try to follow a conversation. A suggestion to spread yourself around a bit more would be to maybe limit your play with a certain group of five to, say, two games or a time length, like an hour. Then when you've reached that limit, you can kindly excuse yourself and meet up with another group of Sissies. If your friends get upset, just say you've got a lot of love to share, and that they shouldn't be selfish.

There are, of course, chat rooms that you could take the friends to, but I personally don't care for them. I like to see my Sissyfriends' faces. Plus, now that the points system has been restored to a sense of normalcy, you can get in a few games with them.

Bear in mind, Too Many, if there is one extraordinary Sissy whose company you particularly enjoy, then you should take her with you wherever you go.

Now get out there and spread the love!

Speaking of love. . .

How do I get a pony?

- Dblsissy

Dear Dblsissy,

Don't let those other Sissies out there tell you that there's some magic secret to getting a pony. You must get them the hard way.

First the momma pony and the daddy pony have to have their special little pony love. Then the daddy pony puts his seed into the mommy pony and it fertilizes a teeny tiny egg in the mommy pony's belly. The little egg begins to grow in the mommy pony's tummy, only it's not like a chicken's egg (so calm down, zorbus), because it doesn't have a hard shell. It's kind of like the inside of a chicken's egg, though (calm down, zorbus), all squishy and stuff.

So the little egg grows and grows and soon it starts to look like a weird alien, not unlike those that abduct us from time to time. After a long time, the egg starts to look like a little miniature pony. But the little miniature pony keeps growing and growing inside the mommy pony's belly, which by now is getting quite round, and the mommy pony cries all the time that she's getting fat, but the daddy pony tries to assure her that she's not fat. She's beautiful and glowing, the daddy pony tells the mommy pony. But she doesn't believe him. She thinks he's just saying that to get her to stop crying, because she knows she can't be beautiful while she's throwing up incessantly because of the baby pony inside her. But the daddy pony keeps trying, because if he told her that she really did look bloated and tired and pale, she'd cry even louder and wouldn't ever let him touch her again.

So he continues the farce until the special day arrives. The mommy pony knows it's time and starts screaming in pain. The daddy pony doesn't know what to do, so he just stands there telling her she's doing fine, that she's the loveliest he's ever seen her and that he wishes he could take away the pain but this is a miracle and he's so proud of her. Of course, she starts yelling at him for doing this to her in the first place. If he hadn't been so charming, she wouldn't have lost her senses. She'd have made him wear a condom. But he swept her off her hooves and she didn't know what hit her!

Finally, after many long hours of this, the little baby pony comes out and struggles to get to its little feet, while the mommy pony licks off all the goo. Of course, at the first sign of the baby coming out, the daddy pony has passed out. They can never handle it.

So the mommy pony and the daddy pony raise the baby pony as best they can, until some yahoo comes along with a load of cash to purchase the baby and take it to its new home, ripping it from its mother's love and shelter, shattering the life of the mommy and daddy pony.

So that, Dblsissy, is how you get a pony. Didn't your mommy and daddy ever teach you about the birds and the bees? Or how about zombies. . .

Dear Dr. Beef,

Recently and frequently I have gone onto the playground with five other girls and all of us press start except for one smart a$$ little Sissyfighter who thinks that not hitting start is funny. Is there any way to, like, suspend these people from playing or get them in trouble in any way? May be I'm over reacting, but it is sooooooooo obnoxious when they do that!

Sissily Yours,

- Sissyfighter NomiChan

Dear NomiChan,

This is a real problem that all of us face from time to time. There's no method that will work for each case, but there are a few different approaches. First off, you need to determine if this Sissy is a true zombie, a total idiot, or merely someone who's forgotten that she didn't hit "Start."

Of course, those that have simply forgotten will quickly rectify the situation by promptly pressing start with a little friendly nudging. Case closed.

Zombies are those that, for one reason or another, do not respond in any way. This could be due to absence from the keyboard, impending alien abduction or just because they want to be obnoxious. Whatever the reason, until such Sissy either leaves or comes back to "life," there is nothing you can do but leave the room and, if you are a considerate Sissy, warn those in the homeroom of the zombie.

Then there are the idiots. Idiots are much like zombies; there's not a whole lot you can do. Sometimes you can wait them out, sometimes not. You can call them "scared," as sometimes that works. Unfortunately, it doesn't often. You probably will just have to leave in this case also.

This is different, of course, if you come into a room of chatters and start howling for them to press "start." Usually, they'll kindly tell you they are chatting. If you don't want to join in the conversation, then it's best to sweetly bid them "adieu" and be off on your merry way. Do not persist with these Sissies. They have a right to chat, and will often begin to grow angry if you insist on screaming at them, especially if you've come into their room. And, if after that, they WERE to hit start, you're a dead Sissy anyhow. It's a fruitless venture, and you'll only gain the ire of some great sissies. And why would you do that when you could end up with some super friends instead?

Then you can end up with THIS problem. . .

Dear Dr. Beef,

I love your column! You are so wise, so full of insight into the Sissy mind. [Aaaawww, shucks! - Dr. Beef] I hope you can help me.

There I am, in the schoolyard, scratching and clawing my way to victory. Six girls, five, four, then three. . . and the other two are my friends. Dr. Beef, what should I do in this situation?

Please help me, Dr. Beef! This problem keeps me awake at night (playing more Sissyfight, of course).

- BettyRizzo

Ah, Betty, dear, we've all been there before! Possibly the greatest appeal of SF2K is the friends. They are what keep many of us coming back day after day. You want to play with your friends, but you don't want to beat them. It's had many a Sissy in quite the quandary.

There are several things you can do. You can agree to a "no cower" game, complete with no hard feelings. Or maybe a "free-for-all" works better for you. How about a "tease and lick" game? You can come up with all kinds of fun ways to avoid hurting a friend's feelings. Or, of course, you can always sissycide if you simply cannot attack.

An important thing to remember is that SF2K is a game. Granted, it's a social game, but then, a lot of games are. I don't know anyone who would go bowling alone simply because they can't stand to compete with friends. And really, who would go play board games with perfect strangers? I'm sure there are some, but then, they're probably psychotic ax murderers or twisted zucchini freaks. As Sissies, and human beings, we are a social breed. Even if when we do play strangers, we often end up making friends; that's how those friends came to be in the first place. It's just part of our nature; we're compelled. And is that such a bad thing?

So get out there and play those friends. Have a friendly battle. Tease each other. Scratch each other. And then in the end, give each other a hug, congratulate the winners and be proud of them. Revel in their win. Then come back and brutalize 'em the next game! Or do horrible things like this. . .

My cousin AudreyPorn and I have a bet: Are zebras black with white stripes or white with black stripes? I say white with black. She says black with white. There's a $20 Best Buy gift card riding on this. Any clues?

- AudreyHorne

Well, you'd all be surprised at just how often I get asked this question. But before I get to that, how many times do I have to tell you all, GAMBLING IS BAD! Hasn't anyone learned from Pete Rose, for Cliff's sake?

Now, in answer to your question, according Encarta Encyclopedia, the stripes are black. However, if you want to get technical, the base color is not always white; sometimes they are off-white, or even tan. For that matter, the stripes are not always black; they can be brown.

So I say you should forget the bet, each take $10, and go buy each other a sandwich, a bag of chips, and a soda and call it a day.

Hi Dr. Beef,

I was just wondering something while looking through the boards. Why doesn't anyone ever show anyone else what he or she looks like in real life? It just seems to be a secret thing that amongst us Sissies, we're "just" Sissies and we shouldn't ever show each other what we look like in person. We're confined to that Sissy identity we've given ourselves. And why don't we ever share our first names? I've started to, but no one ever seems to remember mine. (I'm Julie, if you were wondering!) And I've wanted to post my picture on the board, but I restrain from doing it because no one else has. Should I take the first step and just do it? I'm somewhat worried, too, fearing scorn from the other Sissies because it hasn't been done and maybe no one wants to? Help Dr. Beef!!

- Sissy Roxy Sugar

Since you sent this question in, I've noticed you've gone ahead and posted. And good for you! Just don't expect too many Sissies to follow suit.

In essence, it's all a matter of personal preferences. This is a very interesting subject, one I'm not sure I can fully delve into without making the column impossibly long.

I personally have shared my face with a few select Sissies, and only after having played them for some time now. And even fewer know my real name. I like it that way. Some Sissies are even more protective of their identities. And that's fine, too. Some Sissies indeed use their real names in one way or another. And that's fine for them.

Many Sissies enjoy the anonymity that SF2K can offer. The world these days can get a little scary, and many don't want personal info out there for anyone to see. Also, by keeping your identity hush-hush, people can get to know you by something more valid than looks only, although some Sissies still insist on taunting others based on their idea of Sissybeauty, which is just silly. I mean, I look nothing like my SF2K character, and neither it nor my Sissyname are a statement on me as a person, except maybe my sense of humor.

Sissyfight 2000 can be a form of escape from the everyday realities of a person's life, and by keeping such personal things like a name or face out of it, they can truly step away from their individual stresses and anxieties. It's very liberating, really. Someone who's introverted or insecure in the real world may find it very easy to mingle and chat, becoming quite popular, when others don't know who they really are. Or for those who may be tired of people flocking to them for their outer beauty, it may be refreshing to blend in. It's really limitless if you think about it.

But as human beings, the curiosity does get to many of us, and we can't resist the urge to see each other. It can be a bit weird at first, because we tend to imagine each other looking somewhat like our characters. The realization that there truly is a real person with a real face and a real name and a real life behind those cute little teens can be more of a mind-blower than we initially realize. But intrinsically, it's like sharing photos with a pen pal.

You also worried because you've revealed your name and no one remembers it. It's this simple, Roxy: people here don't know you by that name. They know you by Roxy Sugar. This is what they see each and every time they play you. Had you named your Sissy identity "Julie," then they would remember you as that. I personally know the names of several Sissies, but I generally don't think of them by those names, although I do remember them clearly in most cases. (For those of you whose real names appear on your email addresses when you send questions to me, rest assured that your secret is safe with me.) The name you choose for your Sissy is nothing more than a self-imposed nickname. So don't take it personal. Be proud that they remember you as "Roxy Sugar."

Dear Dr. Beef,

The sky is overcast and rain has been pelting on me since the new point system started. I have been affected greatly. I can't eat, can't sleep, can't concentrate on my work. My boss has been threatening to send me to our sub-office in Antarctica. (I think bizash works there; I don't wanna meet her.) Those cheaters get 100++ points for defeating us, the honourable and straight Sissyfighters, and they actually hold parties to celebrate!! (How dare!) So could you please advice me on this problem? Could you also start a petition email against the new stupid point system?? Thanko! Cheers,

- boxofstars

Well, wayward,

You COULD move your computer into the bathroom. Or have an enema party an hour prior to playing . . .

Dear Dr. Beef,

Should I quit graduate school to play Sissyfight more often? I just can't seem to find enough time for both.

- Torn Between Two Lovers in Asheville, NC

Good question, Torn.

It depends on what your major is. If you have a really sucky major, then heck yes, you should quit school and become a professional Sissyfighter! But if you are pursuing something you love, then you've got to keep plugging away. Too many people forget their dreams, or, for whatever reason, decide not to follow them. This is sad. And it leads to grouchy old people who have nothing but misery to pass on to their loved ones and those they encounter. Make life what you want it to be.

Sissyfight will wait for you. And we'll welcome you back with open grabs!!

Of course, you can still play on weekends, holidays, spring, summer and winter breaks, and after you've finished your homework, young lady!

Dr. Beef,

1. I want to scream at people who flood the homeroom with unnecessary and rude gobbledygook while the rest of us are trying to have a civilized conversation. In fact, I want to do more than scream. I want to perform gross and inhumane acts of violence against them. Is this normal? Should I just increase my dosage of Prozac?

2. Some Sissies, upon first meeting me, try to be clever by making a tired and clichéd attempt at evoking the bard by yelling in 18-point Helvetica, "TAME THE SHREW." Is there a neon sign over my head that I'm missing? How can I arrange some sort of deal where every time I hear that, the offending Sissy pays a $200 fine?

3. Two newbie Sissies are playing a game. One licks her lolly at the rate of 1 lick per 90 seconds, the second licks her lolly at the rate of .25 licks per 90 seconds. If both are approaching each other from a distance of 240 pixels, how long will it be until one of them tattles?

4. Am I really that "feisty" [re: "By referring to yourself as a kitten, you are telling me you are playful, cute, full of energy and sweet. As for him, you don¹t state what kind of rodent, and that could mean a fluffy bunny or a dirty rat. It could mean a squeaky guinea pig or a feisty shrew." - from last week's column, question by Kittenbaby]?

"If I be waspish, beware my sting." - Taming of the Shrew, William Shakespeare
- Shrew

Ahh, Shrew, honey, you are my "Man, That Sissy Has Issues!" winner for this week. So here goes!

As for your first question, yes, it is absolutely normal to want to "perform gross and inhumane acts of violence against" such rude and ignorant Sissies who flood the homeroom board. But you must remember, these are more than likely 12-year-old boys who like nothing more than to annoy people. So of course, yelling at them only makes it worse. If you have lots of time, you can wait it out, ignoring it until their mommies call them in for dinner, or you can make a room and call your friends to join you. I personally l prefer this method, because then you can see all of your Sissyfriends' beautiful Sissyfaces!

I'm particularly interested in your second question, as it is something that I face everyday myself. Being that my name is "Beef," you can imagine the comments that I get. Vegetarians instantly hate me (which is silly, because the name is not a statement of any kind, nor has anything to do with my food preferences). I hear "where's the beef," and "it's what's for dinner" at least once per game (except those full of friends). Not to mention that other Sissies think I'm a boy because of it (I am NOT a boy). But I take it in strides, although I really do wish we could implement your $200 plan. We all, I should point out, had the option to choose whatever name we saw fit. And with that choice, we must accept the consequences that go with it. When someone says something so obvious to me, I make light of it by turning it back on them, by telling them what incredible wit they posses, and that no one ever thought of saying that to me. Or sometimes I'll just point out that if I had a
dime. . .

The third one's easy. They'll both be choked out before they have the chance.

And lastly, was she talking about you, Shrew? How did I not see that before?

In closing, I want to once again thank all of you who sent me their problems! My mailbox was full this week, overflowing, if you will, and I was delighted! Also, a shout out to all of you, both those I know and those I don't, who came up to me on the playgrounds to tell me that you enjoyed the last column! It really does mean a lot to me, as does this column! And thanks, of course, to the Staff of Sissyfightnews for allowing me this space! Okay, now I'm getting all choked up, and not from lollygagging!

So keep sending me those problems! You know the address . . . Beef@DoctorBeef.com .

See you next week!






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