Column Four
July 16, 2000

Hello, beloved Sissies! I'm back! Sorry for the delay! Real life, darn it. Hopefully it won't get in the way again!

I'd like to take a moment to add a bit of commentary on the recent rash of "wannabe losers" that have appeared on the scene since the instatement of the new "Losers" board on SF2K. ARE YOU PEOPLE INSANE? I don't get it. I see Sissies coming into rooms, only to bail as soon as the game starts. Not just occasionally, but ALL THE TIME! Where's the fun in that? Where's the spirit of the game? They take up valuable space in the rooms, where Sissies who want to play and want to chat and want to make friends and want to learn the skills of the game, can't get into because of these "losers." I mean, heck, we ALL like to see our names (or reasonable facsimile) up in lights, but this is ridiculous! To those who do this, you're missing the point of SF2K, and you are also missing out on a great deal of wonderful personalities who love to meat new people.

Now, onto the veritable plethora of problems! The weather has heated up (at least here in Chicago it has!), and the weirdoes have commenced their twisted weirdo march from the depths of the woodwork in which they dwell. Oh, wait, they've been here all along. Or, at least, most of them have. I DO, of course, see new marching weirdoes out here everyday, dancing their little dances, chanting their little chants! And boy, don't they all have issues! But that kind of goes with the job of "weirdo," doesn't it? I mean, how weird could they be if they had no issues, for Cliff's sake? Do I have to explain EVERYTHING to you people?

But I digress from the subject at hand - YOU! It's all always about all of you, isn't it? And your sick fascination with other people's problems! I know you all are chomping at the bit to get at these tribulations (so like a bunch of rubberneckers gawking at the scene of an accident - you lot should be ashamed!). Of course, I'm no better, as I'm probably enjoying this more than anyone here. So . . .

Shall we then?

Dear Doc,

I'm going to France for the summer, which is great. The only problem is I will be separated from my beloved Sissyfight for at least six weeks! Yipes! What shall I do? I've tried asking my friends to adopt my little Sissy for the summer, but they are all lazy and selfish. Should I have my so-called friends killed? And how do I deal with the withdrawal? Most importantly, will I get kicked out of SF if I don't play for that long?? I'm at the end of my flea collar!

Please help.

Your trusting fan,

- Cat Girl

Ah, Cat Girl,

you have a dilemma. First of all, please don't call your friends selfish for not wanting to take over the responsibility of your Sissy. Most of us do have real lives outside of SF2K, and can barely keep our own Sissyheads above the playground grass. And besides, we want to be recognized as our own little girl, not as an identity set by another. Something you probably didn't think about either: do you really want to come back to the potential havoc that your friends could possibly wreak with your little Sissy? Your name could be "Mud" by the time you get back!

So what do you do? Enjoy France, that's what! Many of us don't get such wonderful opportunities to visit other countries! I don't know where you are from, Cat, but personally, it would cost a lot of money all around for a trip to France! I mean, heck, I've not been anywhere outside of this area for about 5 years (anyone care to see my slides from Seattle?)!

Don't worry about your Sissy while you're gone. She'll be here when you get back, and so, hopefully, will, all of us!

So just have a good time; ogle all the cute French boys; eat lots of French bread and French fries; buy some Haute Couture; climb the Eiffel Tower; don't bathe for weeks; wear black and white striped shirts and red berets; paint landscapes out in the middle of the street; be rude to people you don't know; laugh at Jerry Lewis films; and ask people "Qui à coupé le fromage?" everywhere you go! You'll fit right in!

Now, for a darker problem that affects us all . . .

Dr. Beef,

I am feeling horrible Sissyguilt right now. Last night I played a game with some girls who were surely cheating. They started teasing somebody and continued teasing for about 4 moves, then switched to me without communication and continued to tease. They fit the profile of a couple of cheaters to a tee, as outlined on SissyFightNews. When I called it, they started cussing at me and rabidly denied the cheating. After I called it, their play was no longer coordinated. In fact, they played stupidly bad after that. Eventually they both lost as I coached the newbies they were playing with after I got knocked out.

Tonight I saw those girls, waiting in a room together, and I figured they were setting a trap. So I went to an adjacent room and rallied up the troops and prepared to kick some cheater ass! The only problem is: they didn't cheat. They were definitely teamed, but there's no crime in that. But they not only didn't cheat, they played like crap. Then, I was left feeling like an asshole for drawing others into the ordeal. I suppose dumb luck would allow seven unspoken teases in a row; nothing is impossible. Am I rightfully feeling guilty, or did these dumb girls realize that cheating is for losers and now they are paying for their past crimes?

Have you faced this problem before, Dr. Beef? Let us sissies know.



- p@t (pee at tee)

Dear p@t,

Although it's really hard to say, having not been there myself, but based on your description of the events, it does indeed sound as if they were cheating via instant messaging. They probably thought they were pulling the wool over your eyes and once they realized you were smarter than they were, they wanted to "prove" they weren't, either by playing without IMing, or playing bad on purpose, so as to take all suspicion off of them. This would also explain why they played bad again when you returned with backup. They recognized you from the previous night, and knew you were on to them.

For some reason, I've noticed, cheaters rarely think anyone's smart enough to figure out what they are doing. Then most don't want to fess up that they were foolish enough to believe that they actually thought anyone was that dumb. More often than not, they do tend to get angry and foul-mouthed when busted, and almost always will deny it. I guess they don't want people to think they don't have enough confidence or skill to win on their own. I mean, would you?

There are the occasions, however, when a cheater reforms.

Whatever you do, though, please make sure they are actually cheating before accusing them. Cheaters have become so prevalent that we're often jumping the gun. I've found sometimes where a Sissy accuses another, not having seen that the accused has actually used a code of some sort and scrolled it really fast. Codes are definitely not regarded as cheating, as long as they are done within the bubbles in the game.

Also, ask yourself why you chase them down in the first place. Sure, there are times cheaters make even the calmest of Sissies so mad that they feel the need to do this. But what does it really do? Rarely does it transform a Sissy into flying right. Sure, it may make you feel better for a moment, but then you realize that they are just going to change their names and start anew! Cheaters are a waste of good Sissybonding time with super players!

For more on cheating, read on . . .

Dear Beef,

Some may consider me a cheater. I do use more than one window, but . . . I HELP people. At first sight though, people misjudge and rule me out as a cheater.

What shall I do?

- Hamburger, French Fry, Lettuce, Tomato, Bun (broken in two)

Ooooh, Hamburger, et al,

This is a very hotly debated and sensitive issue. Many have argued about such situations, whether it's right or wrong.

I have actually encountered you all, as well as some of the others, and I find such groups rather amusing, heck, downright entertaining! I would miss groups like yours were they to be banished! But do the humor and the fun involved in such groups camouflaging the real issue here? Is it cheating? Well, we all have our opinions, but here's mine.

To call it cheating may be a bit harsh, although you are allowing another player to win without the benefit of utilizing her skills. But is this any different from Sissyciding, really (a common practice amongst Sissyfriends)? Yes and no. Sissyciding also allows another player to win, some may argue unfairly. But the difference here is that Sissyciding is more often than not a give and take. Both are like a forfeit (provided the "group" playing is taking four or five spaces, with the other one or two being allowed to win), but with Sissyciding, it generally happens that players will "take turns" or return the favor at a later time.

As long as you're not using your multiple characters to take out one player, allowing one or two others to win, or as long as you are not doing it for the personal gain of one of your own characters, I don't see any real harm.

I do think, however, as fun as it is to be around such groups socially, I feel it's not as fun to win that way. But then, winning isn't always related to who's left with the most self-esteem points! Sheesh! We ARE all paranoid and obsessive!

Still MORE on cheating . . .

Dear Dr. Beef,

I recently encountered an unsavory bunch of Sissies. After winning a match with another Sissy, one of the losing Sissies went to the homeroom chat and told anyone who'd listen that the other Sissy and I were cheating. I do not have ICQ, but shortly after that happened, several other Sissies followed me around and pummeled me beyond recognition!! That seems to be a trend now and I've been seeing others do the same thing. Starting a rumor about another Sissy and getting others to gang up on them. I'm not a champion Sissyfighter or anything, but I would like your input. Isn't this behavior a form of cheating? How do I retaliate against these rumor starters without changing my name or losing all my friends? Thank you for your time.

- Littlebugg

Dear Littlebugg,

I don't understand the concept of cheating anymore than I do the concept of self-destruction for the purpose of being known as a loser. Sure, we all want to be on the boards, but what does it mean if you've had to play unfairly to get there. Achieving your goals on your own is far more rewarding.

I'm very sorry to hear about what you've gone through. That's really horrible. And you are right; there are a lot of cheating accusations flying through the air, including some false allegations. Everyone lately seems on edge a bit, and maybe even paranoid. And with the number of cheaters rising, as well as the number who want to jump on the bandwagon of the "cheater hunters," it's no wonder.

It's definitely a difficult situation. Retaliation is not a good idea, as I think that will only get you in deeper trouble. You could try posting to the Schoolboard that you're not cheating (without naming any names, of course), but often that ends up getting ugly, ending with RamonaQ or Deputy Barney Fife having to step in and moderate or lock the post.

Try talking to the Sissy. Ask her why she thinks you are cheating. If that doesn't work, and more often than not, it won't (just ask Peter Brady and Buddy Henson), then try to finish out the game as best you can (leaving only makes you look guilty) and move to another game. If this Sissy slanders you in homeroom, you can also use the homeroom board to plead your case. If you are followed around, then maybe you need to gather up your own friends to watch your back. If this is not an option, I'd suggest jumping schools.

To everyone out there reading this, PLEASE don't be so quick to accuse others of cheating! Watch them closely; often there are clues that are hidden within a player's regular speech or codes that are scrolled quickly and if you turn away for a moment, you miss them. Or they may be players who have played together so often that they know each other's moves. Maybe it's just a coincidence. And pay close attention to the actual moves themselves. Teases are the most common moves cheaters use, but certainly not the only ones.

And if you are in a room and you see another being accused falsely of cheating, then point it out to the others. Stick up for the wrongly accused. They undoubtedly need some support.

Before you accuse someone, think of how YOU'D feel if you were wrongly accused. So be 100% sure first. Use your good senses. And for those that really ARE cheating, you honest Sissies have my permission to pummel them into the ground.

Okay, now to lighten the mood . . .

Dear Dr. Beef,

Okay, what's this pony thing?!?!?


- Girl with question who is extremely hot and horny for Sergio Garcia and named her Sissyfighter after him

Okay, Girl with question who is extremely hot and horny for Sergio Garcia (whoever he is) and named her Sissyfighter after him [desperately gasps for air],

Let me 'splain! This is a strange thing that has come out of RQ's message board (The Schoolboard - you can find the link elsewhere on this site), that started as a joke, but, like so many other posts, has transformed in the most absurd way, (see Nairda's posts regarding pickles, llamas, balzout's mommy's panties, and anything to do with zorbus for starters). Remember, I DID mention that SF2K is crawling with weirdoes! Don't say I didn't warn you!

Basically, it had to do with the old "Alt + F4" joke. In case you've never experienced this, a Sissy will try to fool another (most often an unsuspecting newbie) into hitting "Alt + F4" to receive some cool thing, like extra lollies or tattles. Well, in this particular thread on the boards, someone said you could get a pony for hitting said key combo. After that, it just snowballed until it hit my column smack in the face.

It's as simple as that. But really, as everyone knows, "Alt + F4" REALLY gets you a ten pack sack of Sliders With Brakes (White Castle cheeseburgers), delivered straight to your door by a big studly guy named "Hank," who then comes in and cleans your house free of charge and answers all those annoying telemarketer calls for you for a whole week!

Or maybe you could have your own elusive beast instead of Hank . . .

Dear Dr. Beef,

I have a small problem, which I feel might be unnatural. I have a crush on Sasquatch! His "ARRRRRRs" are just too adorable to resist and I can't help but want to bathe and blow dry and put pretty red ribbons all over his fur. The problem is that he is very elusive. I can hardly understand a word he says, which makes communication difficult. Is this totally unnatural?? Or is this just a twisted sick fetish of mine that has finally come to surface?! What's a poor Sissy to do when she finds herself dreaming about an 8-foot tall, hairy, stinky, poor-English-speaking monster of sorts?!


- Unnaturally Infatuated

Well, Unnaturally, you are not the first girl to fall in love with such a rarely seen beast (have you ever read the Weekly World News?). But that doesn't make it not peculiar.

I know this Sasquatch of which you speak, and he is a charming figure, to say the least. He purrs when you scratch under his chin and behind his ears, you know. And he's so soft and fluffy . . . and he eats bad girls who pick on the Sissies he likes . . . and he's SSOO dreamy that I want to . . . AHEM.

You must remember though, Infatuated, that he is a wild beast. We don't know nearly enough about these creatures to understand what they comprehend, or what they feel, or what their habits are . . . it's like uncharted territory. And think of it this way, would you want children with this creature? I mean, if, of course, it's possible between a Sissy and a Yeti! They'd be, like, all hairy and stuff. They'd get horrible nicknames in school, and they'd grunt a lot! Do you really want to subject your potential children to that?

I'd say you need to get a cat (I hear vir99 has a lovely little herd), a dog or something instead. That should fill the void you are feeling when you desire our lovely little Sasquatch. And you know? I'm going to go pet my kitties now!

But if that's not the mystery you are looking to delve into . . .

Oh, Dr. Beef,

I have an embarrassing problem. I have accidentally become famous by losing games intentionally. Many people ask me who I "really" am. True, I have a usual Sissy player, known by many popular sissies, but maybe my real identity is "bob." Sometimes I feel guilty when people talk about my other character in front of me. Well, should I reveal my other identity, or should I remain a satire of a parody inside an enigma?

Help . . .

- bob333
- bob3333
- bob33333
- bob333333
- bob3333333
- bob33333333

That's a decision only you can make, bobs. Speaking from personal experience, I find it difficult to keep my real Sissy identity a secret when I'm wearing an "alter-ego" skin. And of course, those that know me very well figure out that it's me pretty quickly anyhow.

But an alternate identity can be very fun. It gives you a freedom that you don't have with your real character. You can "act" out a different persona, or just be someone else entirely, as long as you're not cloning another Sissy, which can be despicable, especially if you are truly trying to defame her or mock her. Even more, the pressure of winning is off. If you lose, who cares? You can try out new strategies, like teasing different Sissies all game.

It's like going on vacation, really. As much fun as it is, it's nice to have a comfortable Sissy to come home to.

But others want to be known . . .

Dear Dr. Beef,

I love Sissyfight and have been playing for a while, but I stopped to check out the whole news board with all the stuff that seems to make Sissyfight more than just a game. Well, I approve of taking Sissyfight to that level, but I'm not really in "the circle," so to speak. I don't get that much attention, and my name would never pop up in SissyFightNews.com. I am just an ordinary player. But I want to get more notice. How would I go about taking myself to that higher status, and get more involved in depth with the Sissyfight world?

- Baby Blue

Baby, we're ALL just ordinary players! Some of us are more visible because we have have simply made ourselves known! We've been out there, schmoozing our sweet little Sissyhearts out; posting faster than a speeding bullet; making Sissyart; spreading the love; writing assorted commentaries, bulletins, guides, interviews (on our own time, and on our own volition, mind you) and such. I could go on. Not to mention the fact that we've just played incessantly. Heck, did anyone ever hear of chuckkkkky a month ago? He doesn't post; he doesn't schmooze; he just plays - all the time!

At the same time, NO Sissy is an ordinary player! We are all unique and bring something special to the game. There is such a diverse world of interesting people out there on those playgrounds! It's exciting, really! You can meat someone in a culture, professional field, location, interest group, or whatever you may seek, that you may never have thought possible!

Basically, Baby, if you want to be noticed, you just have to get out there. Every last one of us start as an unknown newbie. Participate!! Get involved in the Sissy community! Post to the boards! The message boards are a particularly effective way to get your name recognized! Go into rooms with new people! And don't just sit there quietly! Chat up with all the girls! You're bound to find some you like!

But remember, only YOU can do this! No one's going to push you there! You have to make the first steps! And the most important thing to remember, far more important than being popular, is to have fun, make friends and be yourself (not the Sissyfighter named "yourself," of course, just your really real own self!). Being popular isn't cool if you're not enjoying yourself (again, NOT "yourself," but YOURself)!

But once you get there, what if you saw THIS . . .

Dear Dr. Beef,

I was hanging in homeroom one day when I saw Insomnia fighting all by herself in a room, for long periods of time. How does she do this?

- Wondering

Hmmm, perplexing indeed. Could be one of two things: It could be the Sissy know to me as "Billy Balfour, the Man With No Name," otherwise known as "Blanky," "Chuckles," "Jesus," "Carriage Return," "Roy Lichtenstein," "NoName" and any number of different names (you are encouraged by Billy to call her what you'd like). If there was a comma before or after Insomnia's name, then this would be Billy.

If that's not the case, then it's a weird glitch you are witnessing. I've seen much of this lately: Sissies stuck in rooms alone, Sissies stuck in homeroom for days, sometimes even multiple times - and I'm not referring to the recent rash of clones (a menace of a whole other type!)! Just pretend you don't see them, and maybe they'll disappear . . .

. . . maybe under GinaMae's skirt . . .

Dear Dr. Beef,

What does the well-dressed Sissy wear under her plaid skirt?

- GinaMae

Well, I've looked up many a skirt, GinaMae, and I've found a good number of things!

Matching panties are probably the best choice for a well-dressed Sissy. Boyleg panties are very cool. Giant grandma armpit-high-waisted support underwear are probably the worst.

But I find that nothing under the skirt but your own bits and pieces is the best!!! Maybe not for the well-dressed Sissy, but certainly the most fun!

But other things I've found Sissies wearing under their skirts are boxer shorts, assorted styles of UnderRoos, rubber pants (eeew), inflatable floaty toys (you know, for the pool), fur knickers, chocolate sauce, lolly-wrapper panties, chastity belts, bondage gear, balzout's mommy's panties, and some things that I couldn't or wouldn't want to identify, unlike this stuff . . .

Dear Dr Beef,

What's Retsyn? You know the stuff in Certs?

- Joni

No one really knows for sure, Joni. At least not us civilians. My guess is that Retsyn is a secret government drug that acts as a tracking system, to keep tabs on people with bad breath, so as to know where to find noxious mouth fumes, a little-known, but all-important ingredient in nuclear weapons. In case of nuclear war, they can point their little phaser thingies at people, and tell by lasers who's got the breath and who's not. Then they don't have to go testing person after person to see who has it. I mean, think about it. Would YOU want the job of sniffing people's mouths for halitosis? Heck, I sure wouldn't! This way, they can weed out all of the non-stinkies, and get right to harvesting the odors.

Bear in mind, no one outside of the government knows this, so now I'll have to kill you all!

But first, I have a great new deal to offer you that you simply cannot pass up! It's just that good a deal! I want to send you home with a shiny new . . . SCREEN PRINT OF TUBESTIED'S FORMER SCORE! Want to hear more? Of course you do . . . You can't afford NOT TO . . .

Hello Dr.,

Attached is a screen print of my score when it was 12345.

Since the 5-point system was only briefly in operation, can this screen print and score be considered an item of monetary value?

Thank you for your time. (A 15% cut on anything you can get!)


- TubesTied

Heck, Tubes, if you can get someone to pay good money for it, I'd say more power to ya, dear! Try Ebay! And don't forget my 15%!

But it could be worth more, if only . . .

Dear Dr. Beef,

I'm such a fan of your column [Thanks very much; I appreciate your support. - Dr. Beef], and I was wondering if you could answer a question that has been bugging me for a while: Where do Sissies go when they die?

Thanx XXX


Well, GALAXY, old Sissies don't really die; they just move on to High School. After that, many go on to college, find a job, get married, have children, and then get addicted to internet games.

Unless, of course, THIS happens to them first . . .

Dear Dr. Beef,

What does it mean when my head suddenly snaps off and rolls around on the floor? This has happened on many an occasion, and I am quite distressed.


- Sheik Youboodi

It means it's ripe. Time for harvesting.

Have you tried tightening the bolts, Sheik? That might help! Or maybe Super Glue would work. Magnets sewed to both parts might hold it on. How about duct tape? Chains? Padlocks? Old-fashioned needle and thread? Or maybe it's just time for a new neck.

Sissies and Gentlesissies, we actually have a dastardly duo for the weekly "Man, that Sissy has Issues" award this week! Man! These two Sissies have issues!!! And here they are . . .

Dear Dr. Beef,

How do I lengthen my penis?


- bleu limburg





Okay, these two had such serious issues, that I had to call in a colleague of mine, the esteemed Dr. Nicholas Rivera, world renown for his research into the problems and solutions involved in the penile arena. As much as I love all things penile, I felt, due to his credentials, Dr. Riviera would be far better equipped to handle these issues! So without further adieu, let's put our hands together for DR. RIVIERA!

A Second Opinion by Dr. Nicholas Riviera

Hi Everybody!

My great colleague Dr. Beef asked me to make of these two questions what I would, they being in my area of expertise.

Now, bleu limburg, the thing you are looking for to give your penis that added length is an erection. There are many wonderful ways to get an erection and every guy has his favorites. Let me talk to you, briefly, about one of mine.

Yes, dairy. Anything to do with animal milk. As a matter of fact, that cheesy name of yours has me semi-erect right now but keep it quiet because my wife is unaware of my bisexual tendencies and would probably be annoyed.

Anyway, this includes all female members of the class mammalia, by modern taxonomic methods of classification. Indeed, it also includes all male members of the class mammalia or pretty much any other organisms or inanimate objects as long as they are dipped in milk or holding cheese or make some vague reference to a dairy product or whatever.

There, I am glad to have helped you achieve an erection via the erotic aspects of dairy which, I am sure you will agree, are multitudinous. Your penis should now be double its ordinary length. If it is not, I suggest you visit a licensed sex therapist or drdrew.com since my own license has been revoked in most U.S. states, Europe and Vatican City. Dairy.

For more information on mammals, please visit Seanbaby's reader babes which are all fine examples of the class mammalia. Even Joel!

Hessian Von Swede! Do you remember me? We were both candidates for the Swedish curling team of the 1988 Winter Olympics. Neither of us was selected, unfortunately. You were drunk. I was driven out of the country by the Nazi-affiliated faculty of the medical school of of Uppsalla University.

Well, no matter. Your problem is the opposite side of bleu limburg's Krona. Having achieved an erection at some undetermined point in your history, you are in search of a way to reduce your swollen penis back to the relative comfort and convenience of flaccidity. I can only assume that you have had greater-than-average exposure to dairy over the course of your life. Perhaps your parents cruelly forced you to milk cows when you were a young metalhead? This is normally a job reserved for milkmaids and robots. By now, you must understand why.

Unfortunately, there is only one way for you to cure your erection. You must avoid all exposure to dairy from this point forward. No milk, cheese, ice cream, chocolate syrup, Cool Whip™, etc. You can only hope that your dairy exposure is not so advanced that your erection is permanent. If this is the case, there are some experimental surgical procedures that may help you. Do not, however, listen to those people who would suggest the folk-remedy of sexual congress with another consenting human. This is foolhardy and dangerous! I have never had sex with another human and have had no trouble relieving an erection by any of the various medically tested means involving safe, sterile dairy products. Don't be fooled by their quackery, Hessian! And, Hessian, I will return to Sweden as soon as I have collected one more nose and ear to complete the reconstructive surgery I have started on my face. Let's see if those fascist "doctors" recognize me when I'm through! I will contact you when I arrive because, due to the seriousness of your problem, I think your dairy-saturated body may require further consultation. I know a place in Vimmerby where we can meet. Very discreet.

Alright, kids, let's hear it for Dr. Nicholas Riviera! Okay, bleu and Hessian, I think Dr. Nicholas Riviera offered some, uh, helpful advice for you both.

I, however, think you both need some further counseling, and lots of it, starting right now! I'd like you both to come down to my office every weekday at 7 pm. Oh, and why don't you bring some sparkling clear soda, maybe some cheese cubes and grapes? Don't worry if it appears the lights are all dimmed, and I'll leave the key under the fake dog poop (make sure you lift the FAKE poop) outside the door. When you come in, help yourselves to the oysters and chocolate mousse, strip to your skivvies (so I can see the progress of your Dr. Nicholas Riviera prescribed treatment), and relax on the couch.

For the rest of you, call and make an appointment! Or email me at AskDrBeef@DoctorBeef.com and I'll do my best to give you the best advice free can buy right here next week!

Special thanks to Dr. Nicholas Rivera for his expertise! Extra special thanks to bleu and Hess for sharing your sensitive and intriguing questions with our readers!! Hugs out to you both! Thanks for everything you do!

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