Column Five
August 10, 2000

Thank you all for coming to the new column forum! I'm pleased to present my very first column right here! [This was the first Ask Dr. Beef in its second home on RamonaQ's Sissyfight Schoolboard, after SissyfightNews.com ceased updating. - Dr. Beef]


Here we go!

Our first question comes from a youthful Sissy, who's really not supposed to be hanging out in this forum (see my disclaimer above), so I'm going to post hers first, so she can read it and VAMOOSE! I'm also going to email it to her, so she may see it without having to come into my office.

Shall we?

Hi Dr. Beef!

I have a problem. I'm 13.

So, you must be saying: "What's the problem with being 13?" Well, in some posts on [the] message board[s], they depict 13 year olds as being Hanson-crazed teenyboppers!

It makes me very . . . angry. I'm not your typical self-conscious frilly 13 year old . . . I'm insane and proud of it!!! I like Our Lady Peace - Not O*town! Sure, my generation has some teenyboppers, but we're not all bad!

How can I prove to the other sissies that I didn't hear about SF2000 from Seventeen magazine?

Lotsa luv,

- G~girl:)

Ah G~girl, you are right - there is nothing wrong with being 13. It doesn't automatically make a person good or bad.

But judging from some of the banter on the new SF2K message board, do you really blame us, G?

You have to remember a few things. Most of the people that are saying these things are, ahem, adults, and as adults, we often forget what it's like to be 13, or we remember all too well! Things change for us immensely between the ages of 13 to the age of 21 (and beyond, of course), and so it's often hard to relate to each other so well. And heck, you are young enough to be the child of some of us! That's kind of hard to accept! We just don't want to be reminded that we are so far removed from our youth!

Plus, in this day and age, an adult could get into serious trouble for the misconstrued consorting with children, especially on the 'net. We don't want to be responsible for the corruption of other people's children, so we must censor our behavior and talk. It can be frustrating. Don't be angry with us for that.

On the other hand, we, as adults, shouldn't be so quick to label all youngsters as being one way or another, just as we wouldn't want the youngsters to label us. It's not fair to the individual.

But what you'll find, G, is that if you are polite and genuine and respectful on the 'grounds and the boards, and just be yourself, you'll find that you are able gain the respect right back and friendship of your much-older Sissypeers. I personally have many Sissy friends under the age of 21, and am rather fond of them.

Your problem could be worse, though, G~Girl. You COULD have a monkey attached to the top of your head . . .

Dear Dr. Beef,

I have this monkey stuck to the top of my head. At first it was quite fun, but now it keeps grabbing things in the supermarket that I don't want and making rude gestures at people. How should I deal.... hey don't touch that you damn ape... how should I deal with this simian problem?


- Alice Malice

Hmm, a monkey stuck on your head? Is it glued there? Or sewed there? Or is your head wedged in its butt? What are you saying?

Well, regardless, this can be rather frustrating, I'm sure. Monkeys are rambunctious little critters, and they certainly don't belong dwelling on the tops of people's heads. And aside from the troubles you mention, I'm sure that the, uh, calling of nature, so to speak, isn't so pleasant, either.

You could tie the little guy's arms down, but that wouldn't be too nice, and you'd have activists up in arms over it. And removing the appendages is totally out of the question entirely.

You could stay out of stores and away from people, but that's no fun either.

Living in a zoo might be fun for the monkey, but you're liable to get more monkeys affixing themselves to various other parts of your body. Plus, I would bet the infestations of parasites can't be too fun, and the food may be yummy for the lesser primates, but not for a Sissy.

My suggestion, if absolute removal of the little hairball is impossible (which you'd need to consult a surgeon for, and which I'm not sure your insurance would cover), is to join a Side Show as the Monkey-Headed Sissy, or Simian Sissy. You can make a bunch of money and get laughed at by lots of new people!

And next in line for our "Weird Growths" department . . .

Hello Dr.!

I'm sorry to nag your busy self, but I don't know whom else to turn to.

Anyway, I get zits and enjoy squeezing them. But I have these two larger zits lately that don't ever seem to clear up, no matter how I poke and prod.

I tried rubbing them with special soap, soaking them in champagne, telling the cat to get off them and other things.

My brother says I ought to put a bra on them and shut up, but as the two zits are on separate legs how would I go about this?

Thanks in anticipation,

- Tubes

I don't mean to burst your zits, Tubes, but is it possible these two "zits" are really your, ahem, gluteus maximus and minimus? If they are perched high upon the backs of your legs, right at the base of your back, then that's what these are. And no amount of squeezing and poking will rid yourself of those bumps!

If they are not these, however, you might need to go have them lanced by a professional zit-lancer! You should ask DR. JISM, as he seems to be knowledgeable about swollen things that shoot goo when squeezed and pulled. Just be careful, as DR. is facing a possible malpractice suit brought by me for choking me with a lolly during a routine exam.

After you get your, uh, problem taken care of, maybe you can take part in this . . .

Dear Dr. Beefoolah,

It has come to my attention as of late that there are many boys on the playground. Some are know to us and some of our most beloved players are actually, *gasp* boys! Well, I say HOORAY! However, I must now demand that all boys stand up and be counted for the first annual Mr. Sissyfight Contest! Categories will include:

Best Personality

Best Flirt


Most Skillful at the Game

Most Loved


Boys, stand up and be counted!


- Glammie

Ah, Glammie, it is true! We have many wonderful boys here! Sure, they all wear skirts and pose as girls, but they just do that so that they can be near all of us lovely girls! Can't blame them for that, can we?

Judging from the boys I personally know out there, it'd be very difficult to single them out for the categories you list! Not to say I wouldn't LOVE to be a judge at THAT contest! HUBBA HUBBA!

If any one would like to take it upon themselves to start a thread on this, by all means, do! But might I suggest some more categories, like Best Cheesy Sissystache, Best Dancin' Willie, Best Batsissy, Favorite Sissytoy, Best Sissy in Maternal Panties, Favorite Hat-Wearing Computer Giant, Favorite Disciple-Disguise-Wearer, Favorite Singin'-Fightin' Sissy, Favorite Chatting Doll, Best Crinkler, Favorite Programmers, Sassiest Sissy, Favorite SissySculptor, Best Tea Partier, Favorite Rodent, Toughest Frat-Boy, Favorite World-Traveler, Favorite Gangster, Best Salamander, Favorite Beef-Killer, Favorite Baked Good, Favorite Surgical Procedure, Best Fur-wearing Mistress Voodoo Goddess of Sissyfight.

But if winning's not your style . . .

Dear Dr. Beef,

I was distressed to see you dismiss the loser sissies with such all-encompassing vigor. Sure, there are some losers who pop out of games immediately. But then, there are some people on the winners' boards who play a really boring game, too. The true losers - the ones who deserve the top spots on the loser boards - use a wide array of annoying tactics to lose games the right way.

For instance, I enjoy entering a room and asking whether NE1 wants to trade 'N Sync MP3s with me. That, combined with my name, is usually enough to get a few people annoyed. The first-round tattle is another under appreciated tactic.

I assure you, I provide value for your money when you play against me. I am the symbol of all that you hate with righteous zeal, and it's really cathartic and stuff to kick my scrawny little bum.

So, please, don't lump me in with those other losers.


- JarJarSpears

Dear JarJar,

I'm sorry if I offended you, but I was speaking in the general terms. I'm sure you'll agree that you are an exception. I'm SURE I'd have a blast kicking your hiney!

Most of these "LOSERS" of which I speak are the kind that don't even bother to play the game or chat; they just hop in, and wait for the game to start, then bolt off to another game to do the same.

They don't TRY to have fun with it, and that's what bothers me. This type of losing is the easy way out - winning is hard, so they figure they can get their names in lights on the loser board fast and simple by skipping out of games.

You sound like you enjoy what you do! You take losing to an art form! I admire that, and I'm sorry I've not had the opportunity to beat you to a pulp!

Let's take a trip to the flipside . . .

Dear Dr. Beef,

Ever since I made it to the Top 100 Board, I have turned into a rank-whore! I constantly check to see who is on my a$$, trying to steal MY rank. I play, play, play, just for points. It's gotten to the point where I will drop anything just to play Sissyfight. It's really quite pathetic, yes, but all in my mind, while I'm playing, the only thing I can think of is my rank. I would like to get rid of this obsession for rank. I know that making friends and knowing everyone in the SF2K community is more important. So how I can I get rid of this psychotic obsession for rank? HELP!


- Rank-Obsessed Sissy

Dear Rank,

Don't worry, dear. It'll pass. I think when we hit the board, it's very exciting, and we do tend to think a bit much on our rank. It is, after all, nice to see our names on them, isn't it?

Always keep in mind, though, the friends you've made along the way. The game itself is fun, but it's not really enough to keep most of us coming back month after month after month. It is, indeed, those friends. And the more you play with them, the less you'll crave the points. As they do nice things for you, for example, Sissyciding, you'll begin to return the favor.

The novelty of the board will wane a bit, and while you'll continue to think of your rank, its importance will not take precedence.

I mean, look at me - I played incessantly for a week to move up over 100 places to reach the board, most of it coming over Easter weekend, and in all the time since, I've never made it higher than 77, which is perfectly fine with me.

So be patient, and remind yourself from time to time what most puts a smile on your face whilst playing. I'll bet it's the conversations you partake in.

Take a lesson from this one . . .

Dear Dr. Beef,

I have a big problem. I need your help. I have been very sad lately, as I have been missing someone dearly. I never see a certain sissy by the name of Beef playing anymore. What can I do? She is so much fun to play with and I always have a blast when I see her in the schoolyard, I appreciate any help you could give.

Signed oh so cryptically,

- eixaD

Ah, well, Cryptic one! I spoke with Beef today, and she misses you, too! She's had an overwhelming schedule of late, and I, I mean, SHE'S not been on the 'grounds so much lately!

She wants you to know not to be sad! She's been coming back around more lately, and she'll be back more and more! And after this column, er, her "special project" is done, she hopes to be able to play more. She's just got a lot on her plate, and she eats slowly.

You can always email her at my address (I'll see to it that she gets it) or post messages on the boards - she always looks there! In the meantime, know she misses you and sends her special BEEFKISSES to you, dear!

Why not occupy yourself in the meantime with something creative . . .

Dear Dr. Beef:

I wanted to know how I could possibly write an article for SissyfightNews and whom to send it to. I have some ideas, and I don't know who to inquire with.

Thank you.

- VeriCherri

Dear Cherri,

As of right now, SFN is in a state of uncertainty. The owners of the site have informed me that they unfortunately haven't the time to devote to it.

Is it something that is appropriate for these boards? If it is, that might be an option. If you are unsure, you can always contact RQ.

You could write an article about Sissyhygiene . . .

Dear Dr.,

I have a problem with a particularly nasty rash. It is possible that I got it from being a nasty cheap little slut, but I am of the opinion that it has something to do with the constant scratching from other sissies. Could you advise me of any creams that are on the market, and also how to spot those sissies that may have dirty fingernails that lead to infection?

Yours running low on calamine lotion,

- ciderwoman

Well, cider, sounds you've got a problem! Now, I'm not a medical doctor, but it sounds like an infection from the scratches. Calamine lotion may stop the itch, but it won't heal the infection so well, or keep the infection from happening in the first place. You need to start with a triple-antibiotic ointment on the scratches, and hopefully that'll do the trick. For rashes you already have, try a medicated lotion, to soothe and cool. You can also try something called Bag Balm, which is a lotion for cow's udders, to soften and smooth skin. If that doesn't work, ask your pharmacist! They'll be able to guide you!

But your best defense is to not get scratched by nasty nails! It's often hard to tell which Sissies are anti-hygienic. You might want to follow these steps to check out a Sissy's cleanliness:

  • When the Sissy tattles, look at her teeth. Are they yellow?
  • When you grab a Sissy, try to see her neck and behind her ears. Is there goop?
  • When a Sissy teases you, check her hands and nails. Are they fungal or dirty?
  • When a Sissy loses her self-esteem, look up her skirt and, oh, uh, no, never mind, uh, ahem. Forget this one.

If you answer any of these as "yes," then potential for an infection from a scratch rises. So if you fear scratching by the uncleanly, for goodness sake, GRAB them and take them down first!

And make sure they are not poisoned . . .

Dear Dr. Beef,

I love to lick my lollies, but how do I tell if the lollies are poisonous? Our lil' Sissies might be eating poison lollies now and DYING!!!!! I really love my Sissy and I don't want her to die, what should I do? PLEASE HELP ME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!



- *?????*

Calm down, Question Mark Kid, if you get your lollies from the folks at WORD, you are fine. Claudia and Tootsie make cassie test each and every lolly that goes out to all of us. There have been no casualties from a poisoned lolly (that investigation into the untimely death of Slappy, WORD's original Lead Programmer), is still pending), although Claudia poked her eye out when she got a hold of one of those drug-tainted suckers I mentioned a few columns ago (she was tripping out and thought that her eyes were hungry, and before Tootsie could catch her, she had a sticky lime lolly in her eye - hence her eye patch).

You can also get lollies from outside vendors, but make sure you know your source and that the lollies fit the standards allowed on the 'grounds. As everyone knows, non-regulation lollies can lead to Saturday detention.

As many of you know, my lollies are specially formulated and handmade by a dear friend we know so well. By the way, I need a fresh batch, dear! I'm down to my last two cases!

And now, for out "Man, Has That Sissy Got Issues" winner of the week . . .

Dear Dr. Beef,

Sometimes Sissies get in my head and Vulcan-Sissy-Mindlink, resulting in blocked tattles. It will happen over and over again with the same person (BEEF!).

I feel like my darkest secrets are exposed, and that I'm in a dream, attending school naked with only brown socks and Birkenstocks on.

Should I start wearing my Magneto helmet? Or curl up in a fetal position? Or go on daytime TV talk shows?

Only tea and warm, buttered scones help with my anxiousness over this issue.

Yours truly (which you probably could already tell, you damn mutant),

- Auntie Merytle

Oh, Auntie Meryt,

why would you EVER think I could cause you distress like this? In my professional opinion, I think you are suffering fromdelusionsyouwilltattlewhenisayof some sort. This could be caused by a number of things, like not getting enoughifyoudon'tfollowmyordersyouwillbeturnedintoawafflerest, extremebeveryafraidofmoosestress, too muchactlikeahairysasquatchcaffeine, and overexposure to thesendmebutteredsconesandteasun and heat, among others.

Wearing a Magneto helmet or curlingIhavephotosofyouup in fetalinonlybrownsocksandBirkenstocksposition will only getontheschoolyardsodon'tmesswithmeyou tossed in a mental institution, dear, and we don't want that! And talk shows, well, honey, your storydonottellyourstorywould be laughed out the door! It's even too ridiculousIrepeatdon'ttellyourstoryfor them! Just come on over to my office, and we can talk further about your problem, dear!

And don't forget the scones!

To Missing My Friends: due to the sensitive nature of your question, I've chosen to answer it privately. Thank you for submitting it, and feel free to email me or IM me if you need more help.

Well, kids! You kept me on my toes this week! Keep 'em coming to AskDrBeef@DoctorBeef.com! I love a challenge!

And congrats to RQ and the fine kids at WORD on the new boards! I tip my HAT to you all!

Dr. Beef

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