Column Six
September 4, 2000

Hello all! Sorry for the delay in the column! So much has happened lately! First I got lost in the halls of the new message boards! I couldn't find my way out! Finally, I figured out how to get around and then learned of a costume party at nylon's. I had to sew my costume, which was then eaten by guests at the party who thought I was the food table! Do you have any idea how long it takes teeth marks to heal? Anyway, shortly thereafter, I went to the Ascot Races in my best hat! What a blast that was!

But the worst thing that happened when I went into the Opium Den™ for a friendly game, and there were WAY more than six girls there! They just kept coming in! The game got way out of hand! I had to cut the lolly out of my hair, retrieve my bra from Billy Balfour the Man With No Name, now known as Uncle Pants, and recover from my many wounds.

Aside from some slight scarring, which DR JISM says will heal with time, I'm as good as new and back in action! I'm ready for your troubles!

So let's get started!

Dear Dr. Beef,

I have always had a healthy passion for flinging an arm at Sissies who are 'obviously' gagging for a suck. This in itself presents no problem. However, recently I am finding myself unable to cope with a failed Lollygag (when the damn Sissy cowers and refuses to lick). In fact, I hate missing an attempted suck so badly that I cannot help but repeat my action (jerk my arm) at the same Sissy in every following round until I get her (if ever). I feel I just have to, at any cost, catch that Sissy with the sticky implement nestling between, and sticking out of, her two lightly contracting lip muscles. The kick I get by ramming that lolly deep into her throat is just too incredible to miss. My fear is naturally that past over-indulgence has induced in me an anxiety of failure (or absence) - and this anxiety is triggering some kind of involuntary behavioural reflex. I think I read somewhere something about Spasmodic Arm Movements (or SPAMS). What are SPAMS exactly? Am I suffering from SPAMS or something else?

Do I have to stop scratching Sissies to get rid of SPAMS? Truly, there is nothing more pleasing than the sight of my arm retreating from a sticky face; I do not want to have to stop this practice to save my Sissy from humiliation and myself from future mental difficulties.

Grateful for your help (and thank you for being so very entertaining!) [Thank you kindly, VM! - Dr. Beef],

- Virgin Mary

Oh, Mary, you do have a problem. Well, first of all, SPAM is that weird canned meat-like substance! EEEEWWWW! And I don't think that's your problem, unless of course you eat too much of it. I don't know exactly what an overdose of SPAM may do to the body, but I'm sure it's not pretty! I'm sensing an underlying issue here. I think you are responding to some past torments here.

Now this is just a guess, as I'd need to talk to you further to truly know, but I'd guess you were choked repeatedly as a newbie. You were so tortured by the Choke™ as a newbie that now you feel you must Lollygag. And what's worse, if you MISS the gag, you become so enraged that the unknowing Sissy "outwitted" you, that you must continue until they feel the same humiliation you felt! You need to learn to forgive the Sissies who Choked™ you as a newbie.

They were only playing the game, and certainly didn't mean anything personal by it.

More importantly, you need to forgive yourself for being repeatedly Choked™. It's just something that happens, and doesn't make you a bad player or a bad Sissy. We've all been choked, and once the lolly dissolves, your throat will return to its natural shape. I speak from experience, dear.

At least you're not having an identity crisis . . .

Hello, Dr. Beefi --

Your advice was so helpful to me in the past that I hope you'll even be able to offer good advice about one of my most worrisome Sissyproblems.

As I mentioned in a thread in Sissy Talk [n the Schoolboard], I don't like my Sissyname. I picked it impulsively, with no idea what that would mean . . . and for how long. I used to like "Grease," but now I'm soooo sick of it. If one more Sissy asks to join the Pink Ladies, or one more attacks me because I don't want to quote "Grease" lyrics all game long, I'm gonna freak out and Sissycide to escape.

I'd just dump the name and start over, but there's a worse problem than giving up all of my Brownie Points - no one would recognize me. I've tried trotting out other Sissynames, usually directly to the slaughter. I'm so sad about this I sometimes think, "Maybe one day the database will crash and Word will lose my name . . . oooh, then I wouldn't have to agonize about losing points or recognition, because it'd be beyond my control!" When I read Claudia's post about how Sissies with names that break the Honor Code and lead to complaints will have to change names and have their points transferred, I wished my name were really offensive. Hehe . . . maybe someone could complain about my name?

Dr. Beef, what should I do?


- BettyRizzo (ugh)

What's in a name? Well, a lot! Let's face it - a name can either make you or break you, especially in Sissyfight.

Our choices in style on Sissyfight consist of combinations of a limited number of faces, hairstyles and colorings. In this forum, the only thing we really have freedom to present our personal expression is in the name, initially. Once people get to know you, it's different, as then your personality takes over. But until you reach that point with a Sissy, all they see besides your little Sissy herself, is your name, right above your little Sissyhead.

You'd think naming yourself would be easy. I mean, who knows better what you like than you? But in reality, choosing one is a difficult task, and often, we don't see the long run in our choices. Especially in a setting like this.

This game is designed to encourage us to pick on each other (although it turns into so much more, as we know). If a Sissy names herself "IHaytU" or "ImaSnitch," chances are she's going to go down fast.

A name can instill fear (like I'd hoped my own would, but boy was I mistaken!), or bring laughs, or entice song, or invoke memories . . . there's just so many things a name can conjure up in people's minds, things you may not even realize until you're in the situation. The thing is, we must either learn how to deal with it, or change it.

And since we now know we can change our names for a fee of brownie points, this is a viable option. But do you really want to? It's all up to you.

As you can guess, or as you may have read in previous columns, I've received a lot of flack along the way for my own name for assorted reasons. Sure, sometimes it was annoying, but I chose to stick with my name. Why? Many reasons, not the least of which is I just plain like it. But that's me.

If you decide you simply cannot live with the name any longer, well, then take the necessary steps to change it. If you are afraid to do it because you don't think your friends will recognize you, then make sure they DO know it's you. The message boards are very good tools to get a message out to a lot of Sissies. Don't worry; they'll know you. Ask Uncle Pants; he's been through a few name changes, and he's survived just fine! The main thing here is to have fun, and if the name you've chosen is causing you that much aggravation, then by all means, change it to something you are more comfortable with.

Good luck, Sock Puppet!

Just don't change your name to "God" . . .

Dear Dr. Beef,

I have been a loyal fan of your column since it debuted in SFN, and I've never doubted that your responses regarding ponies, enlarged genitalia, dairy products and Sissystrategy were correct. *A five gun salute* [Why thank you kindly! Much appreciated! - Dr. Beef] Anyhoo, I have a general question regarding Sissyetiquette. Because I'm a knee jerk liberal and tend to root for the underdog, I often face this dilemma: for example, I'm at the end of a game and Player2 has very few points and Player10 (like myself) has lots and is expecting a totally easy win where we would both gang bang Player2. At this point I kinda go "awwwwww" . . . and start grabbing Player10, and in most cases I can help Player2 win in the end.

Now my question is, is this wrong? Am I trying to play God by 'giving' Player2 a win? And is it wrong of me to take that away from Player10, when she thinks she has it in the bag??

Arf Arf,

- Gastomix

Ah, yes. We've all been there before, haven't we? And it does feel a bit like playing God, doesn't it? You hold the fate of two players in your hands, unless of course, they decide to gang up and take you out.

What you decide to do often depends on the circumstances at hand. If one or the other is being nasty or a poor sport, well, then the task is clearly defined; it becomes easy, a no-brainer. But if both Sissies are being particularly nice, that's where it becomes difficult.

One option is to Sissycide, particularly if one or both are newbies. It's good for them to see good sportssissyship and will hopefully encourage them to be good Sissycitizens.

But if that's not for you, for whatever reasons, you can go either way - for the obvious win, or the pity win. Truly, neither choice is any better than the other. In each case, you are playing God.

You make a choice. On the one hand, if you help the higher-points Sissy, you'll be illustrating to both Sissies that a game well played has its rewards.

On the other hand, if you help the underdog, you are demonstrating to them that down is not always out. There are kind and generous Sissies out there willing to offer up a hand to a needy soul. And equally important, that you should always be on your toes; you never know just what's going to happen. It keeps a Sissy's head from swelling too much. Arrogance on the playground can be a dreadful display .

So either option can, and should, be looked at as a positive action. Of course, if the two players decided to team up and take you out, well, then you've learned a valuable lesson, too: you are not God's only understudy! Heheh.

As long as you don't start seeing self-esteem points floating over real life people's heads . . .

Dear Dr. Beef,

Please help me! I'm afraid that continuous Sissyfighting has stunted my ability to differentiate between reality and the playground. Today my boss attempted to give me an employee evaluation, and when I was told that I was only a mediocre "results driver," I scratched him silly! He threatened to call security, and I screamed, "No teaming!" And my coworkers didn't understand when I poked my head out of my boss' office and yelled "C'mon girls! Teze hur!" My boss is a man. I'm afraid that no number of lolly licks will help me win this round. Help!

- Prissmonster

Wow! Are you messed up!

Are you by any chance getting your lollies in an alley from a greasy, dirty man with shifty, blood-shot eyes?

You don't say here that you've started wearing color-coordinated blouse with plaid skirt, black tie, matching bobby socks and black Maryjanes. I'm taking this as a sign that you are not ready for the rubber room just yet. You can be saved.

First, you may need to take a break from the playgrounds for a few days. Nay, it's IMPERITIVE that you take a break! Make some flash cards featuring the photos of the people you interact with in real life, and some of the Sissies you play with. On the backs, write their names and what you should say to them, i.e. "Yes, boss, right away," or "She tattled; teez hur." If you need help deciphering which should be on which picture, enlist a friend or family member to help you. Have this friend then run through the flash cards with you several times a day, until you get it right.

In a few weeks, you should be good as new. If not, then maybe it's time for shock therapy.

Just don't plan on meating any Sissies in real life for a while . . .

Dear Dr. Beef,

I have a problem having to do with the possibility of staging a real life meeting with someone I only know through Sissyfight. I've never made a friend on the internet before, so I'm totally new to this. I'm hoping you, in your vast knowledge and experience, can help me with my situation. I've had blind dates before, but I expect this will be somewhat different, since both sissies involved will both have expectations based on our extensive on-line discussions.

This leads me to my problem. My significant other does not Sissyfight, has agreed to participate in the get together on the condition that we not talk Sissy during our visit. To be sure, not all of our previous conversations have been about Sissyfight, but what if we end up finding out that this is the only thing we have in common?

Thanks for your insight,

- No Sissy?

Let me say that meating online people can be very unnerving but exciting at the same time.

Such trepidation is natural when meeting someone for the first time, regardless of how long you've chatted with them, either online or by phone. But remember, you have the benefit of having talked with the Sissy in question for maybe weeks or months before actually meeting. A blind date is generally with someone you've never met or talked to. Provided you've been yourself in chatting, and continue to do so during the get-together, I'm sure you'll be fine!

As far as your spouse is concerned, I can understand what she's saying. For someone who's not into the game, talking about it can be dead boring. Chances are, it won't be entirely cut out of the conversation, but considering the fact that you are more real people than Sissy, I think it can be done. There's a lot to talk about in the real world, and with two non-Sissies (I'm, uh, GUESSING at this? I'm just presuming that your Sissyfriend has a significant other that will also be in attendance.) in your dinner party (again, I'm just presuming that you'll be meeting at Chicago Joe's for dinner), who both have their own interests and stories to tell as well, that conversation will be interesting for all!

Good luck on your meeting! Fill us all in on the details (because, of course, I won't be there or anything to witness if first hand, you know) after the meating!

Just don't leave the playground for too long . . .

How come every time I take a few days break from Sissyland, something awful happens? :( Comfort me, Dr.!

- The world's most specialest little pickle-laying-balzout's-momma's-panties-wearin'-Tang-eatin'-Brak-lovin'-Carroll-recitin'- Milano-passin'-saxamophone-playin'-George-Hamilton-eatin'-finger-lickin'-good llama Sissyfighter!

Aaaw, TWMSLPLBMPWTEBLCRMPSPGHEFLGLS, I know the feeling. Many of the most disastrous events that have befallen the playgrounds and its inhabitants have happened in my absence. I used to think it was my fault, like I somehow caused it. But then I realized, it wasn't me.

It was indeed the major leaders in world governments and their ties with the aliens we so dread here on the playgrounds. They caused it, Llamasissy! It's not you! It's not me! It was all part of their evil plot to reek havoc on our beloved playgrounds, to tear us apart so that we'd be easy prey to their decision to reel us in and seduce us with the promise of a better playground elsewhere. They'd get us to the new 'grounds, which would be rife with mind-altering chemicals piped into our air through genetically-altered birch trees and drug-laced lollies, and they'd brainwash our now-jellied brains into thinking that anal probes are a pleasure! Then the aliens could collect all the data they'd need to create the perfect Sissyaliens to populate our old, abandoned playgrounds which they have purchased from these governments as new homes because they polluted their own homes with the retched flatulence caused by the introduction of lollies, which they can't resist, into their systems (everyone knows that lollies and aliens don't mix!).

Oh, wait, no, it's not that either. Shucks, that sounded more exciting, but really, these things just happen, as they do in real life. Life is weird, and sometimes weird things happen that are entirely out of our control. All we can do is try to clean up the messes.

And eat a balanced meal and get plenty of exercise . . .

Dear Dr. Beef,

With all this Sissyfighting, chatting and message board reading, I am spending an inordinate amount of time in front of my computer. The problem? I'm not getting any exercise!! My little sissy butt is starting to sag from all the sitting down. Can you recommend any exercises I can do while fighting, chatting and reading? Ones that won't break my concentration or my keyboard? My butt thanks you!

- Anonymous sissy

This is, indeed, a problem we all face. Unfortunately, I'm also looking for the answers! And as I'm allergic to exercise, this is proving to be difficult. The only thing I can suggest is the ol' butt-clamping move, where you contract and release your gluteus muscles! Anything beyond that might make you look ridiculous!

I can, however, give you my method of weight control while Sissyfighting. I simply don't eat, or don't eat much at any rate. Now, I'm not saying this is good, but I just hate dragging myself away from the computer to cook, especially in the heat of summer. And when I do, it's got to be something easy to eat whilst I'm playing or reading posts, something which fits easily on the space in front of my monitor.

But please, I'm a professional, and I don't recommend trying this at home! It takes years of practice to eat like this, and if your body's not used to it, could prove truly unhealthy!

Hey, maybe zorbus has an idea for some good exercise techniques . . .

zorbus cannot stop doing that crazy hand jive! What is wrong with zorbus! zorbus will be riding bicycle and all of a sudden will start doing crazy hand jive and then crash bike! How can zorbus stop doing the hand jive?

Ah, the hand jive is an addictive little dance move, isn't it? I mean, you just move this way, then move that, then go like this and VOILÁ! You are doing the . . . wait a minute . . . zorbus! Look what you've done! Now I can't stop! Shoot, now I can't get to the rest of the questions! Hard to type! Well, kids, I'll have to continue this next time! Please, keep your questions coming! And if there's anyone out there who knows how to stop the hand jive once it's been started, please help! FOR GOD'S SAKE, HELP! WHATEVER YOU DO, DON'T DO TRY THIS! AAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!

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