Column Seven
March 16, 2001

After a hiatus of nearly six months, Ask Dr. Beef has returned!

I'm sure you're all wondering what happened, why I was missing in action. Well, to make a long story short, as many of you know, I had a, uh, little problem. It entailed me stealing the underpants of my playmates. As you can imagine, I was so overcome by this strange obsession that I was rendered incapacitated for some time. I mean, how could I possibly advise others when I had such a horrible affliction myself?

It got to where I was checking the message boards for any mention of undergarments; I'd go into games only to swipe underpants, and would flee without finishing a game; I catalogued and categorized all the pants in my possession; and, the most shocking of all, I had a museum built to house these stolen unmentionables. I had hit rock bottom.

My friends were desperately worried, and at the insistence of the Putfits, mainly Kitten herself, I checked into the Kittenbaby Sissyfight Addiction Center™ to seek treatment. The staff there was wonderful, and, though they'd never dealt with an underpants-thieving compulsion, they were able to take their knowledge in similar disorders and customize my treatment to offer me the best possible resolution.

I'm pleased to say I've been clean for a month now! It was during this time I began to plan my return. Kittenbaby and I decided it would be fun to host a crossover with each others' columns to celebrate both my comeback and her recent milestone of 50 interviews. This is an unprecedented event all-around! So on Kittenbeat Profiles this week, Kittenbaby and I conduct a live chat interview of each other. In return, Kitten visits this week's Dr. Beef column, to help me in answering all of your questions!

I think you are all going to be more than delighted with the results! Kitten and I had a blast doing this, and I hope it shows!

Here's how it will work here on the long couch: Kitten and I have BOTH answered your questions - hers will be the first paragraph(s) following each question, followed by mine in bold.

Now, for the moment you've all been waiting for: HEEERRREEEE'SSS ASK DR. BEEF!!!

Dear Dr. Beef,

Recently, there has been an outbreak of underwear disappearances on the playground. This alarming state of affairs makes some Sissies tense and nervous, while making other Sissies happy and carefree. What, if anything, can be done about this unholy undergarment epidemic?

- TalkingTina

Dear Tina,

Well, I don't know who's out there stealing underwear, but anyone who knows me knows that my #1 rule on the playground is: NO UNDERPANTS (my other rules mostly have to do with everyone letting me win and the distribution of chocolate ponies to anyone needing one during the game). If you're not willing to play underwear-free, you don't get to play. So I say, rejoice in the lack of underpants! There's nothing more liberating than scratching and grabbing another Sissy who you know doesn't have a thing on underneath that cute little skirt!

Well, as I'm sure you've all deduced from my above confession, unless there's some copycat pants-stealer running around, that I was the culprit of whom Tina's expressing concern over. Part of my therapy is to acknowledge my wrongdoings, and to kiss each of my "victims." So Tina? Come over here!

At least I didn't have the dreadful lolligar addiction that seems to be spreading on the playgrounds…

Dear Dr. Beef,

You know those new "cigar-flavoured lollies." They are really addictive, and when I go on the playground, and someone scratches me, I get SOOO angry that I poke someone's eye out. What should I do?

- Concerned Aquarius

First of all, I'd like to ask you British [And Canadians, too - Dr. Beef] Sissies to stop adding all those extra vowels to your words, like "coloured" and "flavoured." Suzanne doesn't like it and, frankly, it's just too many letters. I mean, just look at the word "queue!" Completely out of control vowel-wise. Oh, and can you give us back Madonna while you're at it? Our apologies - I'm sure she must have gotten lost and couldn't find her way back. (Not a clever girl, you know.)

Anyway, let's take a look at your question. As a mature young man, you are probably are aware of the dangers of tobacco, so I won't lecture you about it. However, poking others' eyes out on the playground can be very dangerous to your health. Keep in mind, if you blind all the Sissies in the room, they just might listen for your voice and all point at you! So try to relax and keep your cigar-lolly consumption down to one or two a day.

Very true, Kitten! My advice is to just not start on those "lolligars." They tend to make a Sissy rather irritable, as you've found. (Kitten, are you sure YOU'RE not partaking in these lollies? You seem a little tense there, in that first paragraph!)

Many of you that are currently addicted to these lollies will be delighted to know that DR JISM and I are developing a patch to help those who want to quit. It's being tested on the derelicts of PS 666 as we speak! As soon as we've got approval from the SFDA (Sissyfight Drug Administration), DR JISM and I will be able to prescribe these lollypatches to those unable to quit on their own.

Just be sure you don't harass people over their names while you're under the influence of the lolligars…

Hi Dr. Beef!

I love your column! It's so insightful. My problem is a problem that many Sissies go through: my name is constantly questioned. All too often, people I play games with say to me: "Did you get your name from the show 'Popular????'" I have only seen "Popular" maybe twice, and cannot see where people get the idea I got VERICherri from MARY Cherry. I usually respond nicely to them and say, "no" and get over it, but frankly, I am sick and tired of it. How can I get people to distance me from a character on a TV show?

Tearing my hair out as I type,

- VeriCherri

Dear Cherri,

Personally, I think your name is lovely. Every girl should be able to choose a cute or sexy sissy name to her liking without being badgered by a bunch of TV-watching couch potatoes who have nothing more interesting to talk about than silly prime-time babble. Just imagining what kind of dorks they must be, spending all their time, glassy-eyed in front of the TV will probably make you feel better right away!

For more on stupid people who ask stupid questions, check out this great rant from The Straight Dope.

I agree with Kitten. Your name is lovely as it is.

The Sissies who ask this question, as infernally annoying as it is for you, are probably just trying to make a connection with you. They're probably new to the game, and are hoping to make friends. They are trying to find common ground with you, some common interests that will get their feet in the door. I seriously doubt they mean to aggravate you.

If you think of it this way, you may find it easier to tolerate it when they ask you. Just politely tell them you've never seen the show and have no idea what they're talking about, and if they persist, then scratch the beejeezus out of them.

You never know, you may even start to dream about them…

Dear Doctor,

I have had a vexing problem! I had a dream the other night that I was going to marry a Sissyfighter (Psychoduck? SONofBOB??) and my real life husband was driving me to the Sissy's house. My husband said "I don't like driving you to someone else's house to have sex with them." I said "Oh, that's not what we're doing! We're just putting together some graphics." I woke up feeling very dirty and unfaithful. I told him about it and he agreed that I was married to the computer. What am I to do? I cannot stay away from the boards and fights, but I really should visit my husband once in awhile. Should I just quit? Taper off, maybe?

- vir99

Well, aren't YOU a naughty little girl! Spending so much time on the playground that you're having fantasies about sissy boys. Well, I say, go girl! All that hot flirting you're doing on the playground can only enhance your relationship with your husband (assuming you take enough time out from Sissyfighting to actually SEE your husband). He should be more understanding about it. Heck, he should appreciate it! Maybe if he spent a little time flirting on the playground, he might see how much fun it is! And when the Sissyfighting is over, you two can take all that sexy energy and make the most of it together!

You know, dreaming about something doesn't necessarily mean you want that it to come true. Otherwise, I'd be wearing a wig made of plastic Oreos™ and red candy disks while running from puffy white worms in an underground pool world before being shot with a gun made of lighters.

So don't feel dirty or unfaithful. And don't quit the game. SF needs you. But do spend a little time with your husband. The last thing we want would be for him to throw away your computer, and leave you with no access to the game. Give him a smooch every three games or so.

Just think what it WOULD be like if your husband started playing…

Dear Dr. Beef:

My Sissyproblem is not shared by the many happy single Sissies on the playground. This is a Sissycouples-only problem. *Sob*

Trubble and I are a real-life couple. The problem is that we have each become so Sissyinvolved that we tend to talk Sissy when we are out in real life. We rarely Sissyfight together, so we spend hours discussing the intricacies of various games we've had, and sharing conversations we've had on the playground. But it gets worse…

We'll go to a snooty French restaurant, for example, and I'll try to hold the waiter while Trubble scratches him. *sniff* We recently caused quite a scene on the bus when we both thought the driver was about to lolly.

We've alienated all our friends because we can no longer carry on a conversation in English. They look at us with blank expressions (just like when a Sissy has been zombified by the server) when Trubble and I call each other by our Sissynames, and say things like, "No thanks dear, I'm just going to cower for a while." They can't figure it out when, instead of laughing at their jokes, we say, "LOL!! ROTFLMAO!!"

And, well, the worst is when Trubble and I point at each other and collapse laughing. Our friends tend to back away and stop making eye contact.

What oh what shall we do, Dr. Beef?? Please help us before we become permanent Sissies and can't even leave the playground to go to the store!

Your Sissy,

- Crabbygal

Dear Crabby,

That cute Trubble is your r/l man? Well, you lucky girl! Anyway, you two have a serious problem here. Too much Sissyfighting has caused you to become insulated in a little sissy world all your own. I'll tell you, not a day goes by when I'm not grateful that my boyfriend doesn't Sissyfight. Not only could I not flirt with so many sissy boys, but we would probably talk sissy all the time! I think that one of you needs to take a leave of absence from the game and spend some time in the real world. Then maybe you two will have something to talk about with your friends that doesn't include the words "prez start dammit" and "SpeedOpium™" (which will surely lead your friends to think your weird behavior is caused by heavy drug use).

Best of luck!

Well, I can't see what you like about my gross brother, but I guess everyone deserves to be loved!

So you've got a serious problem on your hands, IF, of course, you look at it as a problem. I think it's wonderful that you have something so fun in common, and that you have a good time with it. So many couples lose interest in each other because they don't have enough common interests. I say keep on doing what you're doing. Look at it as a sort of "special language" you share.

At least your significant other isn't a mongoose…

Hello there Medical Beef.

Gorgeousgirl here! You're last advice has helped me incredibly (I'm now very respected and [was] even on Sissy Survivor.)

Now, here's the problem, there's a mongoose sitting in the chair at my computer desk. I tried to pick it up, but it scratched me. Now the scar is infected. What can I do?

Lotsa luv,

- G~girl:)

Dear G~girl,

As a hard-hitting reporter, I happen to know a bit about wildlife, specifically the mongoose. "Mongoose" is a common name for several small carnivores found in both Africa and Asia. They subsist on rodents and snakes and are known for attacking even the largest and most poisonous snakes by an agile avoidance of their strikes. Knowing these things, my questions to you would be 1) Why did you provoke a mongoose, knowing it was going to scratch you, and 2) How did you get a mongoose to agree to live in Canada?

At any rate, he was clearly Sissyfighting. No wonder he scratched you! Now, as far as your infection. The mongoose is a well-known carrier of rabies, which can be passed to a human through a scratch (see "Animal Carriers of Rabies" ). As you may know, rabies is 100% incurable and fatal, so unless you've been immunized, you may want to think about giving me back those stiletto heels you stole from me last month! If you ARE immunized, you have nothing to worry about except for getting the mongoose to give back your computer.

Good luck!

Okay, Kitten seems to be the expert on mongoose (mongeese?) here. I'd follow her advice! And by all means, give her back those stilettos!! You don't want to anger the Kitten!

I'd also like to add that you should nail that mongoose door shut! If you don't, you're just asking for problems!

And whatever you do, DON'T marry one…

Dear Dr. Beef,

I've been invited to the Sissy wedding of a very good Sissyfriend of mine. I love this Sissy dearly, but am unhappy with his choice of Sissy partner . . . I know he's been seeing other Sissies behind his back. What should I do? Do I tell him I think he's making a mistake and boycott the wedding? Do I go along, grin and bear it, and wait for it all to end in tears? Or do I attend the wedding and heckle (or even scratch) the bride at the vital moment?

And what to do about a wedding gift?!!

Perhaps I should look at my own feelings for this Sissy, but I don't think I want to open that can of worms. Any tips would be greatly appreciated, Dr. Beef.

- Waiting in the Wings

Dear Waiting,

This question is right up my alley. First I'd like to say that I don't really understand why a sissy would want to get married, when there are so MANY cute fish in the sea, but that's just me. In my experience, weddings should be avoided at all costs, since the food is never good, the champagne is cheap and the music usually sucks. Besides, after getting hit on by the tenth or eleventh best man in a row, it's hard to get motivated to keep going back. However, if you decide to go, there is one surefire way to 1) Drive the bride crazy and 2) Have a wickedly good time to boot (assuming you're a woman). Here's my patented method for having a fabulous time at a wedding: Buy the sexiest, shortest red dress you can find and a great pair of heels. Doll yourself up to look incredible and arrive at the wedding just as the ceremony is beginning. That will annoy the bride and she'll get a good look at you since you'll be the only one standing. Spend the entire reception drinking champagne with the groomsmen and flirting outrageously with the groom. The bride will be sorry she ever invited you and she might begin to realize that all that running around behind her hubby's back might have been a mistake if she wants to hold onto him. Oh, and the gift? A little black book for the groom with your phone number in it! ;)

Alright, Kitten, are you trying to steal my job? You're doing too well!

I'd like to add that, regardless of what you say, it's his mistake (if indeed it IS a mistake) to make. All you can do is be there for him as a friend, and if it all comes tumbling down, then, THEN you can rub it in his face and say "told you so."

What I'm concerned with here, though, is that maybe you're jealous. You even acknowledge this fact at the end of your question. Remember, if you DO have feelings for him, you just have to back off. He's made a choice. You have to let him be. Sure, you could tell him how you feel, but that's not a guarantee that he'll call off the Sissywedding, and it's a potential to lose him as a friend. You have to ask yourself what's most important here.

Just don't get soft on us…

Dear Dr Beef,

My, ahem, friend, has a serious problem. When she first started to Sissyfight she was a lean, mean scratchin' machine. Any Sissy who stood in her way got a lolly down the throat for her troubles. As a result she scratched and tattled her way up the rankings. Then, one day, it all went wrong. She turned up in the playground and discovered that ALL HER HATE HAD GONE. There were Sissies that she had always loved, but now she loved all Sissies, and couldn't bear to hurt any of them. She tried the odd scratch to see if she could regain her blood lust, but to no avail. She just can't bring herself to hurt another Sissy. Please help her, Dr. Beef, because, while she has no desire to be Jeffrey Dahmer, she must regain some sort of Sissy aggression, or risk becoming some sad hippy doormat trampled over by every newbie in sight, with only a smile and a distant memory of chattling to keep her together,


- cider

Dear cider,

There is simply no place for love on the playground, n'est pas? And nobody really likes a hippy, now do they? I think it may be time for you to check yourself into the Kittenbaby Sissyfight Addiction Center™. In addition to our regular treatment programs (designed to break the overwhelming urge to Sissyfight every hour of every day), we also have a special program for Sissies like you. Designed to "re-educate" sissies who have lost the will to hurt others, it follows a stereotypical Pavlovian model. Here's how it works: your program leader will withhold all alcoholic beverages for as long as it takes. When you can't take it anymore, you will have to scratch or grab the leader (or tattle three times consecutively), at which point you are given all the booze you can handle (and then some.) Yes, a lot of your time in the program will be spent with a terrible hangover, but you WILL regain the will to scratch, grab and tie cats to other sissy's heads. If you join now, you will also receive a free week of "personal massage" from the center's program director (yours truly) and as many choklit ponees as you can eat. Don't wait! You CAN be helped!

Take it from Kitten, and from me: The Kittenbaby Sissyfight Addiction Center™ can work for you!

If you can't afford it, though (I'd really earned enough brownie points over the last few months to put me in the Top 20, but I had to fork them over to KB for my treatment), this next Sissy recommends tying a cat to someone's head…

Doc, you gotta help me.

I was fighting away, and someone said, "Tz Sara!" Naturally, I responded by asking if she'd like me to come over there and tie a cat to her head. She must have thought I was kidding or something because she said, "Ha ha! Go ahead!" Upon her assent, I proceeded to get a cat and some strong baling twine and tie the little fella to her head. Well. You think World War II was a big fight. When it was finally over, that poor girl looked like she'd been gang-scratched by two rooms full of scrappy Sissies. That, in itself, would not be a big deal.

However, the cat I had obtained had been yowling on the garage roof of the frat house next door. I think it may have had some kind of disease, mainly because its hair was falling out in chunks and one of its eyes was a bilious orange and oozed stuff. Now that poor Sissy's head has swollen to an even more unrealistic size, and she needs renovations on her house so that she can fit through doorways. I feel terrible, and what's worse, she's suing me! I'm worried she'll get some hot shot Sissy lawyer and impoverish me to such a state that I'll have to hang around the gates of Ben Frank, begging for Sissies' lunch money.

Can you give me any advice? Or at least help me fake my own death so she goes away?

Respectfully submitted, I remain,

- Scarad Sissy

Dear Scarad Sissy,

Well, I guess you learned not to tie a cat to another sissy's head before first taking a look at its health records! Personally, I prefer using a small lagomorph for this procedure - they're easier to lash down and they don't usually carry deadly diseases. But that doesn't help you now, does it?

My advice to you would be: Don't worry! The sissy suing you will be dead long before she can get a cent out of you. If not, she can just learn to be happy living on her lawn. Besides, I know a very cute sissy who can help her out with a puptent and other camping gear if she's willing to live outdoors. Now, you just get back on the playground and wreak some more feline havoc! (And no begging! We don't want Claudia to have to set up a sissy welfare plan when he's busy duct-taping those servers, now do we?)

If I've told you ladies once, I've told you a million times - don't strap animals to yours or anyone else's heads! Haven't you all learned from Alice's fiasco, for Cliff's sake?

Well, if she survives long enough to sue, then you do have potential problems. You can, however, opt for this approach: you can say that you bought the cat at a particular pet store, and it looked like that when you bought it, but there were no labels on the cat to explain that it may scratch or that you were not supposed to strap it to someone's head, nor did anyone at the pet store explain this to you.

It could work.

But please, let me stress this, NEVER tie an animal to an ex-love out of revenge…

Hey, Dr. Beef, hi!

Well, I'm just a lonely senior in high school. About 2 weeks ago me and my ex-best friend and girlfriend split. After that she pretended like nothing was wrong, and I just totally ignored her. After about a week of me giving her the brush off, she stops talking to me too, and to top it off, she's walking around with other guys like I don't exist. She was my life and I was hers. Then she dumps me as a friend and a lover; I just don't understand. Is there anything I can do to get even with her or just make her realize how much I meant to her?


- Loser from Dumpville

Dear Loser,

I'm very sorry to hear you've lost both a friend and a lover. Splitting up is always hard and requires a great deal of ice cream and old movies to really experience to the fullest. However, when your period of mourning is over, you need to get back up, brush yourself off and find some new babes! A hot guy with a sweet, sensitive side is just the kind of man most girls are looking for. You've got a lot of years ahead of you-so make the most of it, honey, because those girls aren't going to hop into your life (or your bed) unasked! I bet you're not a loser at all. After all, you got an awesome girl to fall in love with you once. Get out there and do it again!

P.S: There are some extremely cute sissies on the playground who are in high school too. That might be a good place to start your flirting campaign.

You both made mistakes in this one. But one thing that concerns me is that you seem to have been more into the relationship than she. If you were her life, then she wouldn't have just dumped you and stripped you from it.

Follow Kitten's advice on this one, and just move on. It's not an easy thing, for sure, but you deserve someone that will be devoted to you.

Good luck!

Just don't get yourself into a game of SpeedSissy™ too soon…

Dear Dr. Beef,

I so do hope you can help me with my recent problem. I recently went into a game of SpeedSissy™ and now I am just a mess. They insisted on playing with a "pick by 80" rule. I bit my nails off and I am shaking like a leaf still! What should I do? Do I avoid these highly stressful games or do I go to the doctor and ask for some Valium so I can continue with my addiction for Sissyfight? I am such a mental and physical mess!

Please help me!!


- tit baby

Dear tit baby,

Ifyoucanchatwithallyourlettersrunningtogetherlikethiswithoutanyspaces, you'reprobablygreatatSpeedSissy™!

Well, ok, if it's really stressing you out, do what so many of us Sissies do in your situation: have three or four powerfully strong cocktails before starting a game (I personally recommend the Mandarin Cosmopolitan™, Willameena's drink of Choice). It will help you relax and if you get sloppy and forget to pick by 80, who cares if you get teased out? You're having a great time! Yes, this method of playing may impact your score, but you won't be stressed out and you'll enjoy your time in SpeedSissy™ that much more. Cheers!

If THAT doesn't work, try drinking a 64-ounce glass of water just prior to the start of the game. You'll have to go to the bathroom so badly that you'll think the 80-second rule is too lax.


Dear Dr. Beef,

Recently I chatted briefly with one "I'mNOTBeef." After this character - who was obviously NOT Beef - left, I began to wonder: if I don't see I'mNOTBeef, must I, by definition, be seeing Beef?

- Bewildered in PS666

P.S. I'm NOT Nessa.

Dear NOT Nessa,

Can you repeat the question?

Don't worry, Kitten, I'll get this one. NOT Nessa? The answer is no. Not seeing NOTBeef simply means just that: you are not seeing NOTBeef. Think of it in terms of who isn't Beef? Well, everyone save for Beef is NOTBeef. If you're seeing Beef, you're only seeing one person. If you're seeing someone who is NOTBeef, then you are seeing everyone else. If you're not seeing NOTBeef, you could, in essence, be seeing yourself. Understand?

A very special thanks to Kittenbaby for stopping by to share her own knowledge and insight!!! I had a lot of fun! And a special thanks for inviting me over to her column, as well!

This was so fun, that I've decided to add a new fun feature to the column! In every issue, I'm going to have a question at the end for you to answer. The first one to three Sissies who email me at AskDrBeef@DoctorBeef.com with the correct answer will be brought aboard to assist me in answering one special question in the next column!

Now, for our question this week:

What are the names of both the artist and the painting in the graphic at the top of the Ask Dr. Beef forum?

Got a question for Dr. Beef? Send it to me here at AskDrBeef@DoctorBeef.com. Until next time, take care, and keep scratching!

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