Column Eight
March 29, 2001

Hello again, Sissies!

Welcome to this week's Column! We have a number of you with some bizarro problems. You really like to keep me on my toes, don't you?

I won't take up too much of your precious reading time by yammering on, but I would like to tell you about our special guest advisor this week. As you know, I started a new feature of the column last week, wherein I ask a question, and whoever sends me the correct answer first joins me for one of your questions. The winner this issue was our beloved Artina. PUPTENT! He correctly identified the painting and its artist featured in my new graphic. The painting is called Water of the Flowery Mill by Arshile Gorky, my favorite artist. Congrats, Artina! Look for his advice to MeanFred further down in the column!

Now, on to your troubles!

I would like to know if you know games using quite the same concept as Sissyfight, because I am playing to this game for a while and I am looking for different atmosphere... Thank you.

Dear no name,

Personally, I've never found another game with quite the same dynamic as Sissyfight. There are some great games like Loop or PunkPoints, but there's no social interaction.

Then there are those with interaction, like iSketch, which is a blast, but the action is so fast and intense, there's little time to really socialize, and Habbo Hotel, featuring more socializing and less gaming (although I've only just started there, and really haven't figured out a whole lot), but darned fun (try to ask Maria for some coffee - it's a hoot) and addicting.

Get Tiffany is the closest I've found to the balance between game and socializing that SF has. In fact, the game itself is strikingly similar. You play as one of four young men, whose look you choose, who are vying for the affections of, logically, Tiffany. There are chat bubbles, and choices of things to do, causing you to gain or lose points with Tiffany. Unfortunately, it's not as well developed and thought out as SF is. The effects of the actions are very unpredictable and the chat bubbles are disappointingly limited. It tries, but it's got a long way to go to equal SF.
If anyone else can locate some others, I'm sure we'd all like to hear about them.

Good Luck!

Of course, those other games don't have such a lovely board adminstrator…

Dear Dr. Beef,

I have a very serious problem and you are my only hope. I am madly, deeply, passionately in love with someone and she has no idea how I feel. I can't eat, I can't sleep, I can't post. I can't even Sissyfight. All I can do is dream of RamonaQ. Her cute plaid skirt and tidy little bun drive me wild with desire. The delicate way she arches her eyebrows, the sexy way she moves threads from one board to another, the saucy way she answers PMs all leave me breathless. I would tell her how I feel, but I'm afraid she would spank me with her ruler. What should I do?

- Lovesick Sissy

Ah, Lovesick,

Ramona IS rather irresistible, isn't she? But, sadly, you must move on. She's unattainable, and dangerous at that. (Have you SEEN Mr.RQ? YIPES - he's like a big ape! Hey, Malice, I think I've found someone you can sell the ape bike to!)
All you'll get is heartache. You need to find some unattached Sissy to whom you can shower with your affections. You seem like a lovely fellow, very attentive, and you deserve to have a Sissygal that is free to love you back.

Of course, the fact that you are swooning over a taken lady may indicate that you are a bit afraid of finding someone of your own. It's "safe" to pine for someone you can't have, because you always have that excuse as to why you can't pursue her. What it boils down to is a fear of rejection. If you can't pursue her, you can't be rejected by her. You can dream about a perfect life with her, without having to do any of the work involved in a relationship. It's safe, yes, but how lonely. Please don't resign yourself to this life alone. There are an awful lot of darling, unattached gals running around those playgrounds! Talk to a few! Have fun!

Maybe you can hook up with this lovely babe…

Dr. Beef,

As a naturally flirty girl, I find myself having little "friendships" pop up with boys all over the playground and boards... I enjoy each of these boys for different aspects of their personalities...

My question to you is: how many is too many? (Or is it, how many are too many? Or maybe how many is too much? Or... hmm... how many are too much?) Do I have too many boyfriends? Do I have to pick just one? Am I a big HOR?

Thanks for your time,

- that german girl

Dear that german girl,

No, you're not a HOR, unless, of course, if you're leading these boys to believe they are your one and only.

There are a lot of delightful boys on our playgrounds. Lord knows I can't keep away from them! There's no reason you can't be friendly with them a wide variety of them! And I'm sure they enjoy your company as much as you enjoy yours!

As long as you're not making any commitments to these boys that you can't keep, have fun! Flirt away!

Just don't let it degrade into weird fetishes…

Dear Dr. Beef,

Um, well, I don't know how to ask this delicately so I am just going to come out and say it.

I enjoy being choked. At first I was very secretive about this desire. I would lick a lolly when I anticipated someone would scratch me. Now the desire overwhelms me. I shout [that] I am going to lick and demand Sissies to choke me, preferably multiple chokes.

Is this normal? I don't know what to make of this. Is it just a phase?

Please sign me,

- Lollytonsilitis

Dear Lollytonsilitis,
What you have is akin to a fetish. You derive great satisfaction from one particular act, and it's all you can think about. This doesn't pose a problem unless you are totally unable to enjoy the game without being choked.

If you finish the game feeling unsatisfied and angry, then you've got a real problem. Let's assume this is the case, as it poses a far more interesting response than "there's nothing wrong with you."

We must first uncover the reason for your need to be choked in order to have a successful game. It appears that you like to be dominated. Perhaps in your life you are in a position of power, looked up to. You are counted upon by others to make decisions. Therefore, when you arrive on the playgrounds, you want to shake that image. The fact that you then demand that they choke you further illustrates your place in real society. That power struggles for control over your need for domination.

You need to ease up in your real life. Take the time to help those less fortunate than you. Try looking at life from their point of view. Be sympathetic. Before long, you'll find yourself less likely to need a choke.

Either that, or you've just been playing the Choke King&0153 too much, and you've simply gotten so used to having lollies shoved down your throat, you feel that's your normal state.

Just be glad you don't have this problem…

Yeah, so I have this problem.

I have NO SNEAKERS! I know for a fact that one of them was stolen by peagreen (grr), but I'm not sure about the other one. Also, since this incident, I have had my socks, my tie, my shirt, and my wheel-less canoe stolen. Not to mention the lock of hair that Bunkgirl stole! I don't understand. What have I done to deserve this treatment? If this continues, I will have to make good on my threat to unleash my Mighty Midget Army on the Sissy population.


MeanFred (but you can call me mr. fred)

Dear Mr. Fred,

Are you having some kind of mid-life crisis? Who wants to be called Mister in the first place? With a first name like Mean there is always the chance that a sensitive guy like you will be misunderstood, and suffer some abuse. I noticed one of your shoes is glued to the playground in PS-666, serves you right mister! It seems useless to have a wheel-less canoe when your sneaker can't even sneak. I better leave this to Dr. Beef, because I think you enjoy being a target for Sissy mischief way too much.

Looking for the source of mean, I encountered these characters.

Which was linked to this. Is your canoe by any chance yellow?

Hmmm... is there a parallel in blue meanies and Fred's midget army?

Well, you could well be right, Artina. What concerns me, however, is the ease at which these things were done. Fred, your name states that you're "mean," but I'm thinking you're quite the opposite. You're too soft and cuddly-sweet. Also, it could well be that they steal these things to get your attention. They see your sweet nature and your quick wit *swoon* and fall head over heels for you. But all in all, they are stealing your things because you're allowing them to.

Now, I'm not saying you should release your MMA, but you do need to get a little meaner with these thieves. Tell them it won't be tolerated. Make sure you believe it, otherwise, they won't believe it.

If that doesn't work, then I'd recommend putting boogers on all of your stuff. And make sure they see you doing it, too. I guarantee they'll leave your things alone. Of course, then you'll be covered in boogers.

And now, ladies and gentlemen, here's our MAN, THAT SISSY HAS ISSUES of the week…

Dear Dr. Beef,

Thank you for the earlier advice on removing the monkey from my head. He was just bored and looking for attention. However now he is pushing me to buy him a monkey bike. Anything for the little chap, I thought. Due to shoddy ordering systems, the monkey bike I ordered turned up and to my shock, it was an APE BIKE. The poor thing can't use the drop handlebars and is now getting...HAY! Leave that CD alone...agitated. Damn monkey.

Do you know anywhere I might be able to purchase a monkey bike? Is there anyway to stop him stealing my CDs? And while you're at it - do you know of anyway to get monkey crap out of the carpet?

Yours simianly,

- Alice Malice

Dear Alice,

I'm glad you got the monkey off your head successfully! Congratulations!
As for the bike, of course he wants one! What monkey wouldn't? And what a good monkey's uncle you are for trying to buy him one!

Let me ask you something, though, when you received the bike, and realized it was an ape bike and not a monkey bike, why didn't you return it? If it's not been too long, you still may be able to return it. If that's not possible, you could always feed him steroids to make him grow big enough to use the ape bike (or offer to sell it to RQ for her husband).

Have you tried looking on the internet for monkey bikes? How about your local Circus Surplus Store? I'm sure they'd have monkey bikes, as well as cute little monkey outfits!

Now, as far as stealing your CDs…HAY! Put that down!…he's stealing your stuff because he's bored. The new bike should help. Get him some toys, or a cat (I hear monkeys love kittens). Maybe, just maybe, your monkey is stealing CDs because he's trying to tell you that he wants an organ grinder, or a harmonica, or simply to dance. Try a few things out, experiment, to see what best eases his little monkey nerves.

Lastly, I don't know how to get monkey crap out of your carpet. I'm a doctor, not a janitor. But if you should find out, please let me know. And please, whatever you do, don't feed your monkey bean burritos before dropping him off at my office for me to babysit.

Well, that's it for this week! I hope you had some fun, and maybe even learned something!

Since last issue's question was kind of hard, I'm going to make this one a little easier on you. The answer can be found in past columns. The contest question for next issue's guest advisor is as follows:

Who was Kittenbaby's secret crush?

Guesses and questions for the next issue of Ask Dr. Beef should be sent to AskDrBeef@DoctorBeef.com.

Good luck, and great mental health!

See you next week!

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