Column Nine
April 18, 2001

Welcome to another edition of Ask Dr. Beef!

This week, we've got Guest Advisor, Aquarius, who was the first to correctly give Shrew as the answer to the trivia question last week, Who was Kittenbaby's secret crush?. He'll be answering the third question, in blue bold. Thanks, Aqua!! You'll be a star advisor before long!

I won't keep you any longer, going on like some pesky kid at a party that you don't really want to talk to but who's leeched onto you like you're the only person that can understand a word she's saying, and you keep trying to make a break for it, but she just keeps going and going and going while you send pleading glances to your friends in hopes that they'll come rescue you, which, of course, they never do because they don't want to then get sucked in, and besides it's far more fun for them to watch you suffer while this pest just drones on about her colon needing to be surgically evacuated because she swallowed the wheels to her roller blades one day for no apparent reason with … oh, uh, sorry.

On with the show!

Dear Dr. Beef,

Oh Dr. Beefi, won't you help me? The lolly has lost its luster. Yes, the lolly has indeed lost its luster. I no longer feel that the pulsating green door is synonymous with the rhythm of my blood flow. The voices in my head have stopped crying out "Tattle! Lick! SCRATCH!!!" until I ran to the playground looking for a lift. I have lost my will for the Sissyfighting and it has been a long time since I've even enjoyed a game.

I've occasionally enjoyed games while socking with my best Sissy pal and causing general mayhem, but one can only be a puppeteer for so long before that too begins to bore. Now that the crash has rolled around, I find that many of my best sissies are out on the playground having a blast in theme rooms. Yet, when I get out there, I am met with only "wannateemers."

What is the root of this problem?

Could it be the fact that HORZ are fading into the dark and the BROTTLE™ has seen fewer men than Sally Struthers in a halter? Possibly. Could it be that I am constantly nursing my mongoose scratch infection? Well, perhaps... OR... am I addicted to the boards? BINGO!

Okay, so this is more 2 questions, but you don't mind, do ya?

First off, what can I do to get back in the game? Do you have any pointers, because I know you've gone through this before?

And second, what can I do to even out my boards addiction with playing the game?

Also, Mallus' monkey took my tinfoil hat while I wasn't looking. Could you see to it that I get it back in good shape? Atta girl. *winks*

Oh, I miss my days as a young HOR... Where have all the flowers gone? Long time passing... Where have all the flowers gone? Long time ago...


Love and missin' my HORZ,

- Ggirl

Don't worry, G. I think anyone who's been around more than, say four months or so goes through this in one form or another, myself included.

The boards, for many of us, eat heavily into our playing time. They had a major impact on my Sissyfighting. I've not played regularly since their debut in August of last year. Personally, I don't mind this. I like the boards. I will say, however, that I do indeed get my playing spurts, most recently coming in the weeks since the restoration of the database. When I do make it out there, I tend to gravitate towards those I know well, as they are the main reason I come out to play. Of course, I have a blast. I do, from time to time, meet newer kids, who make me realize what kept me playing back in those first few weeks.

Don't get too discouraged, though. Life changes. There are ups and downs, and that goes for SF, too. Try to remember the things that drew you in in the first place. Try playing with a different style. Make up a new "special room" game. Anything we do in life will tend to get stale after a time. We each have to figure out for ourselves how to make it fresh again.

The best thing I can tell you is to be patient. Maybe, if it's severe enough, take a couple of weeks away. You're bound to come back refreshed and full of sass.
As far as that monkey's concerned, you'd better just let him keep the tin foil hat. He's been putting it on his butt, and trust me, after seeing samples on my carpet of what comes out of him, you don't want it back. Ask Malice to buy you a new one!

Just remember, that monkey's too young for you…

Ok Dr. Beefi,

I have a question for you. I am very interested in this very nice guy, and we have had a discussion concerning, on his part... why it couldn't happen, and on mine... why it could.

His big argument is the fact that he is almost 13 years older than myself, and that brings me to my question ... Does age really matter as far as the heart is concerned?

- unlucky in love

P.S. I am of legal age.

That's a tough question, unlucky, and the answer is dependant on a lot of factors. The actual ages involved is one of those. A 15-year-old with a 28-year-old is definitely bad news, but a 30-year-old with a 43-year-old hardly causes a raised eyebrow.

So, sometimes age DOES make a difference. In the teenage years, even as little as two years can make an enormous difference. You say you're of legal age, so this may not apply. Other factors will come into play in this situation, like common interests, energy levels, reproducing, past experiences as well as goals. These are all issues couples of closer ages also deal with, but with a large age difference, they take on different twists.

Since I don't know the actual ages involved, it's hard for me to assess what specific problems might come into play with your case. I'm not saying it can or can't work. That's where the most important point comes in, which is how each of you feels. You have to both be ready to deal with the additional problems that may develop due to the age difference. If you don't have that, then you're sunk before you set sail.

You may not find it to be a problem (it seems to me that most often it is the younger of the two who sees the least amount of problem with the age difference, and I'd say that this would be due to the fact that the older one has been where the younger has been already), but for whatever reason, it seems he does. Therein lies the problem. If he's not comfortable with it, I'm afraid there's not a whole lot you can do. You can talk with him, try to reason with him, and try to understand why he feels this way, but chances are, you're not going to be able to change his mind.
I know that's probably not the answer you were looking for, but it's important for you to hear that. You seem like a wonderful, caring person, and if he's not the one, there's another out there who is. If you need to talk further, you know how to reach me. Good luck, dear.

Remember, boys are just weird…

Dear Dr. Beef,

Why are boys so weird?

- Nessa

Dearest Nessa,

Boys are born weird. It is a trait given to them in the Y chromosome given from their father. This chromosome from the 23rd pair also contains the following boy traits: their nasty smell, their ugly hair-dos and their bad taste in music. Have no fear though, scientists are trying to find a cure this very instant, but, who knows, maybe we'd just be better off having no males on this planet, no?

- Aqua

Aqua's 100% right on this, Nessa. They are born that way. They can't help it. I am currently, however, working on a major project of my own. Those scientists mean well, but they're not using proper techniques. I feel that I am better equipped than they in this field, and I need as many boys as possible to volunteer as test subjects, preferably cute ones. Those who are interested should show up at my doorstep, in tight blue jeans, big clunky shoes, t-shirt, and bearing chocolates and Pepsi, say, around 9:30 tonight.

And now, the moment you've all been waiting for, the MAN, THAT SISSY HAS ISSUES question of the week:

What does "a more subtle waterfowl than a duck" mean?

- anonymous

What do I look like, a bird-watcher? A zoologist?

Actually, it's a statement meant to confuse. There is no waterfowl more subtle than a duck. You spend time trying to figure out what it means, then before you know it, they've tattled on you twice, and you've lost the game.

Well, that's it for this week! Thanks for stopping by!

This week's trivia question, for a chance to be Guest Advisor is this:

What show inspired the name of this column?

Send all guesses to AskDrBeef@DoctorBeef.com. First in with the correct answer wins!
Do you have a question you'd like to see answered in Ask Dr. Beef? Please, send it along to AskDrBeef@DoctorBeef.com today!

See you next week!

Dr. Beef

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