.

Column Ten
February 7, 2002

Hello, Sissies! Welcome to another installment of Ask Dr. Beef!

We're going to have a lot of fun in this installment! We've got some seriously deranged Sissies, a fluffy new advisor and two hunky boys fighting over borscht! You DON'T want to miss that!

I hope you've got your popcorn and sodas all set before you. It's going to be a long one! So sit back, relax and enjoy the show!


Dear Dr. Beef,

I am writing to request help with a problem that is probably well known to many sissies. The issue is that Sissyfight is getting old. Generally, most new internet multi-user sites offer the most whiz-bang graphics and cutting edge interactivity. Even when I started, nothing about Sissy could be described as "whiz-bang" but unfortunately, each passing day makes it seem less whizzy and bangy. I mean, other multi-user sites have avatars that walk around and talk, for Cliff's sake (whoever Cliff is). So my question is how do I make my sissy walk around my computer screen and actually kick some sissy butt?

Sincerely,

- Static Sissy

Dear Static,

I understand what you're going through. I myself have been here almost two years. I go through cycles. When I get really bored, I create some art to make people laugh, or I try to come up with some interesting threads. Of course, when that doesn't work, and it usually doesn't because my threads bomb like Waterworld, I will step back for a week or two, and usually, for whatever reason, I remember the magic that kept me here so long in the first place.

Part of the charm of SF is indeed the relatively simple concept and graphics, and that one has to rely upon one's wits and personabilities to keep the game fresh and new. One often has to be creative, constantly coming up with new ways to revive the spirit.

If it's a walking avatar you want, I'd suggest getting a good screensaver builder or some excellent programming skills, some Sissy screen caps and a bit of time and MAKE your Sissy walk. By the time you've finished that, I'm sure you'll find the simplicity of the game to most appealing.

At least you haven't gotten the cooties...


Dear Doc Beef,

It's soooo embarrassing! For quite some time now I have had cooties. I don't know where they came from, but I've been hanging out with a lot of cootie-ridden people lately due to circumstances beyond my control. Are cooties contagious and how can I get rid of them?

Sadly,

- Cutie with Cooties

Dear Cooties,

First, allow me to cross my fingers, so that you don't give me the cooties. Now then, cooties is a very serious disease. They are very contagious, but you can only get them if someone who has the disease touches you and screams "COOTIES!" The only way to get rid of them is to pass them on to another in the same fashion.

The fact that you hang around with cootie-ridden people is what disturbs me. Why do these people still have them? You can very easily give them away! To keep them willingly indicates a very deranged mind. Everyone knows that if you don't get rid of them, your face will stick like that. Oh, wait, maybe that's not what happens. Whatever it is, it's bad, I tell you! You need to figure out why you hang out with such depraved individuals. Do you lack excitement in your life? Are you bored? Do you have a such a lack of self-worth to cause you to feel you don't deserve better? You need to look deep into yourself, and I think you'll find the real reason.

And for Cliff's sake, pass those cooties on to someone else, preferably someone like slimshady!

Just don't give them to Johnny Depp...


Dear Dr. Beef,

As of late, Artina has displayed an icon of Johnny Depp in his movie From Hell. My problem is that I can't stop my tongue from propelling itself onto the monitor upon the site of this particular icon. I know, I know that my dear Johnny has made some horrible movies lately, but I just cannot stop my insane love for him. Obviously, if his obsession with bugs won't stop me, then nothing will. Seeing him on sissy makes my toes tingle and my knees melt, beyond the bees. Yes, I do love him that much. My problem is that I can't stop myself from drooling all over my screen, my keyboard, and even my lap. It wouldn't be so bad if I were all alone, but when people are in the room and my tongue goes a flapping, it's right, shall we say, embarrassing. Is there a way that I can stop this? I can't just NOT look. I can't break away from my Johnny disease. I can't make him stop being the hotness that is he. What can I do, I say what CAN I DO? This has to stop. It's verra embarrassing. What would my parents think if they saw this?

In dire need of your help,

- Lil "I want to lick him" Monarch

Dear Monarch,

Well, obviously, I personally took it upon myself to remand that photo of Mr. Depp into my custody, so as not to cause you any more distress or your computer any damage. It's safe on my bedroom ceili-er, it's safely tucked away. This sweet hunk of fles-er, uh, this heinous image will never darken your psyche again.

Now, if I can only get my hands on Severus' iconů


Dr. Beef,

I hope you can help me answer this question, because you're so good at answering everyone else :)! Anyways, I haven't played Sissyfight in awhile, but the other day I started again. When I tried to get to the site yesterday, THE SERVER WAS DOWN! Plus, I tried again today and everyone time I do THE SERVER IS DOWN! Does this happen all the time?! What's wrong with the damn server?! Grrr!

- Thanx-o-bunch

Dear Thanx,

We were having some major server issues several months back, but the problem seems to have mostly dissolved. However, once a week, the schools get a major bathing, washing out all the dirty ghosts and lolly wrappers and salty tears. It's usually not down more than ten minutes or so, and late at night, making your inconvience rather convenient.

Just make sure you always hold your ID handy, or they won't let you onto the playground...


Dear Dr. Beef,

I have in my excitement and my hurry to go from the Jewish Student Union to the Study Abroad Office, lost my school ID- which I need for everything. I'm retracing my steps. Do you have any advice?

Love,

- lilly

Dear lilly,

Don't go through the trouble. Just get a new one. The old one probably had a crappy picture anyhow. Now's your chance to get a better one!

But if nothing else, let this be a lesson to you. Don't lose stuff! EVER! Especially your senses...


Dear Dr. Beef,

This is a serious question.

How do you apologize to a sissy whose feelings you have hurt pretty badly? I made a mistake and some bad decisions and I lost a good friend because of it. Perhaps because of youthful folly or just stupidity. I'd rather not slip on a sock here. Help me Doctor Beefi.

Sighed,

- semi-anonymous sissy

Dear semi,

The best apology is an honest one. Swallow your pride and write your friend of your heartfelt regret.

I can't say that your friend will forgive you, but that's her perogative, and at least you will have made an earnest attempt. We all make mistakes, it's true, but the most important thing is to learn from them. As long as we learn, it's not truly a mistake. It doesn't mean it will hurt less if she chooses not to forgive, but it will mean it won't be repeated.

All you can do is show her you've learned from it. Express your feelings as best you can, and leave it in her hands. Don't push it. Allow her to take it all in, think it through, and make her own decision regarding it. Most importantly, respect her decision, regardless.

Good luck.

Just don't let it come to this...


Dear Dr. Beef,

When a sissy decides to retire from SiSSYFiGHT, should she make a retirement post or just quietly sneak out the back door?

-Waiting For Sissy Social Security Check

Dear Waiting,

It's entirely up to the Sissy. I don't have a problem with either method. If it were me, I'm honestly not sure how I'd handle it. I've taken a few short, unannounced breaks from SF, and have come close to retiring, but ultimately decided against it.

I will say this, however: don't make a post if you're planning, or thinking you might return. Don't make one unless you're serious. Don't make one just to see how many people would miss you. Always remember that there are human beings behind the avatars, and it's not nice to toy with their emotions. Besides, chances are, you'll get a good flaming upon your return.

Or a good scratching...


Dear Dr. Beef,

I have a serious problem. My new kitty Vegas has taken to trying to eat my printer and sitting on top on my head, occasionally at the same time. Okay, so I can deal with having little claw indentations in my scalp, but this printer thing has got to end because every time she gets in to that part where the paper loads, she jams the paper and it takes me ten minutes to fix it - and I'm concerned she'll get her paw stuck. I've tried correcting her, but then she thinks it's a game; I've tried ignoring her, but then she inflicts major damage to my printer. An unnamed Sissy (okay ... Beaker) recommended putting her in the blender, but I thought was a bit extreme. Also, I can't move my printer to an inaccessible location, because such a thing does not exist. Does Jackson have any advice?

Excuse me, I have to go remove kitty hair from my nose.

- Nessa

Dear Nessa,

You do have a problem. I'm going to turn this over to Jackson for some insight into Vegas' behavior.

DEER NESSER, EYE KIN REELAYT 2 VEGASIZ LUV OV YOR PRENDERING THENG CUZ EYE LYK MIE MOMMEEZ PRENDERING THENG. EYE LIYK 2 WACH THA STUFS GOE EN AN STUFS COM OWT. EYE WAN 2 GIT AT THA THENG ENSIYDE IT THET MAYKS THA PAYPR STUF GOE THRU EN PLAE WIF IT BUTT MIE MOMMEE WONE LET MEE. SHEE HOLDZ MEE BAK EN ONLEE LATZ MEE WACH IT INSTED OV PLAE WIF IT. SUMDAE EYEM GONE GIT THAAT THENG INSIHD THAT PRENDERING THENG EN EYEM GONE EET IT ALL UP. DON PUTT UR KITTEE INNA BLENNER CUZ THAS NUT A NYSE THENG 2 DO. SHEE WONE LYKKE IT EN HUR PREDDEE FER WEL GIT MUSST UP. JUS LUV HUR AN GEF HUR KITTEE TREETZ AN STRENGEE TOYZ AN SKRACHEZ BEEHINE HUR EERS AN STUF LYKE THET.

LUF,

JACKSON


Dear Dr. Beef,

Everywhere I walk, I am bound to step into a pile of sticky lolly wrappers. 1. Why don't they have trashcans in the schools? 2. What happens to the lolly sticks? 3. What is the best way to get the sticky lolly wrappers off of my Mary Janes without ruining the polish?

- GinaMae

You ask too many damned questions, for starters. You also need to learn to watch where you walk.

1. They do have trashcans on the playground. Look in the Hall Monitor for some of their names. You are to place all your lolly wrappers and sticks into these recepticles.

2. The sticks are ground up into a powder, mixed with sugar, and placed inside the wrappers to keep the lollies from sticking to them.

3. What? Do I look like a shoe salesman? Or Martha Stewart, for Cliff's sake?

Or a guy...


Oh baby, I want my dick in your beefy cheeks. We'll make a sweet hamburger together you sexy stud. We can then munch on each other's sausages. Mmmmmmmm.

- anonymous

I'll bet you all didn't know occasionally I get love letters. Too bad my sausage is at the cleaner's.


Hi again... do you have any clue who I am?

- the one

I'm sorry, the one, but your sausage just isn't to my liking. I'm not into the small, shriveled Brown 'N' Serve variety. I need something a bit heartier and more filling. Thanks.

But enough about me...


See, Doctor,

I have this friend. She sometimes pretends to be a ll-- an emu, yes, an emu. Well, she recently returned from a weeklong trip to this big city where a good sissy friend lives. She's feeling loads of regret about not taking the opportunity to meat with this very special slab of be-- of granite. She could've very easily gotten in contact with this friend, but something like nerves kept her from calling. She IS only 16, and not as independent as maybe she should be, but now she really wishes she hadn't been such a wuss about the whole thing. I-- err, she thinks there must be something wrong with me. I mean her, of course. Is there some kind of special cheese she could eat to get over her social anxiety? Not, of course, talking about my recent trip to Chicago and failure to meet up with the good doctor,

- Nairda

Dear Nairda,

I'm sure this slab of granite understands why your friend, the emu, didn't attempt to meet. She is young, and it's a scary world out there. I'm sure the granite will still be around when the emu is older, and if she wants to meet with her later on, I'd lay money that she'd be more than willing. Your friend needs to stop beating herself up over it. Granite is very understanding, I've heard.

Just don't go breaking its heart...


Dear Dr. Beef,

I have this feeling my sissy boyfriend is going to shed me like last weeks newspapers...getting little hints about admiring me for the capability to face adversity-translation: I'm leaving you, you'll be strong. He's a real lady's sissyguy-all the women love him. That was not a problem-now I feel I need an appointment to see him. Perhaps I chased him away. I hate this sickening suspicion that he is trying to break free of me. I see him in a game, I want to be with him, but his friends drown me out. They don't know that I wait in vain for him. Could I ever return having gone this far for a man? If I am so beautiful, attractive, wonderful, then why oh why am I so alone???? I love him. I always will. It hurts to think I'm losing him. This time should have been different...he is what I consider perfection in my eyes. A man of beauty...what do I do now? Where do I turn? Will this ache in my heart ever go away? He has lots of girl pals to help him forget me, but I wait alone and watch. Not as a stalker-just painfully observant and wondering why I'm going through this alone? Crying at the losing game, is he trying to remember my name?

Heart breaking and tears again.

- anonymous

Dear anonymous,

Heartbreak is a natural part of life. In order to love, you must learn to accept loss. It sounds as though he wasn't as committed to you as you were he. Maybe he's immature, or committment-phobic, or just isn't the right one for you.

Cut him loose. Don't chase him, or talk to him, or beg and plead. Just let him be. If he's truly interested in you, he'll come looking for you. If not, then you'll know it's time to move on. If it is indeed finished, let it go. Mourn the loss, but know you'll get through it.

In the meantime, look inside yourself. It sounds as if you're spending a lot of time asking "why me," but not trying to figure out the answer. Perhaps you're a bit insecure, or unhappy with yourself. You have to be able to make yourself happy before you can make another happy.

And then, why don't you come with me to the strip show...


Dear Dr. Beef,

What is the best procedure to perform a strip show?

- Just Your Tushy

Oh, Tushy, I can't really divulge the secrets to a good strip show with typed words. You'll have to come to my office for a full evaluation. I'll need you to undergo some tests. This may take hours. I'll have dinner ready. Be at my place at 8:00 p.m. next Saturday.


Last time, we had two Sissies correctly guess the answer to the trivia question, "What show inspired the name of this column?" anna ng and Shrew properly answered Ren & Stimpy (Stimpy had a show-within-a-show titled "Ask Dr. Stupid"), and so they both will be answering this question. Unfortunately, it turned into a bit of a cage match, and I had to step in. (anna ng is in blue, and Shrew is in purple.)

Dear Dr. Beefay,

Mon question est: 1) Why is borscht the most amusing word in the whole wide world??? (Did I even spell it right?) Thank you for allowing me to waste your time.

- Anonymous Anonymous!

What kind of question is that! You add French Spanish and English into some sort of lingual monstrositic stew and then have the NERVE to talk about Borscht? YOU know what I SAY?? You don't have the "borscht" to ask me such a rocking question! Now maybe if you had the "borscht" of art garfunkel, Larry king (LIVE) or president Gerald ford, you might get a decent, nay a "cranberry~Borscht" style answer! But you didn't, and you DONT! I suggest you remain anonymous for the rest of your MISERABLE PATHETIC life! That way, no one with any "kraut" will have to waste time with your "sodium enriched" stupidity! Raaarr! What do these kids learn in parochial school these days!

I'll tell you what they learn in parochial school: borscht is overrated. Sister Mary Agnes from the Order of the Daughters of Corporal Punishment told me so. My ass is still smarting from that lecture 13 years ago. What is borscht, anyway? It's cold beet soup. I mean, what's so damn amusing about that? anna ng doused in borscht, now THAT's amusing.

Damn Shrew, just because you really were a sissy doesn't make you any more qualified to be one here. Me doused in borscht! How ORIGINAL! I might have expected that comment from dovey77 or fork+toaster, but from shrew? I thought that shrew was the big "community contributor"!!! Obviously the only thing a person of Shrew's mental caliber could contribute to sissy is the "borscht" that he delivers nightly to the porcelain gods! Yeah, buddy, those saggy pants are a fashion statement, not a clever hiding place for an adult diaper! Le'mee tell you Shrew, the only way you could help anyone, even pathetic 'Anonymous' is after I "contribute" your "head" to your "rectum"!!! Then maybe you can think with your full brain, united at last!

Your mom sends lots of love, anna ng

Oh, anna, don't be jealous just because my borscht is bigger than yours. Really, we ALL understand that you're mentally incapable of contributing anything original, and it's okay that you stole the "head-rectum" line from one of my old ConTr!ckster flames. I must say, though, in terms of fashion sense, I defer to your incredible bourgeois taste in this fetching Ralph Lauren ballgown:

Tell my mom that your dad is enjoying the lessons Sister Mary Agnes passed down to me. Brief transcript: "YES, MASTER, I'M A BAD SLAVE. I DON'T LIKE BORSCHT. I DON'T LIKE BORSCHT. PLEASE PUNISH ME, I'VE BEEN A BAD BAD BAD LITTLE BOY."

Alright, boys! Don't make me come over there! You know I'll kick your arses! That's it! Now you've done it! You're going to pay for turning my column into a full-blown cage match! TAKE THAT! AND THAT!!! WHO'S YOUR MOMMA? WHO'S YOUR MOOMMMAAA!!!


 

Ahem, well, yes. I guess that'll do it for this installment. You'll all send your questions to me at AskDrBeef@DoctorBeef.com, right? RIGHT??? Don't make me crack your skulls! Er, I mean, I'd really appreciate it, and would love to help you out!

Oh, and if you want to learn to wrestle, come to my school.

Now, onto your trivia question, for a chance to be a guest advisor in the next column: Can you name one of the wrestlers used in anna ng's above renditions of the cage match?

Thanks to Shrew and anna ng for their spirited advising, and for their wonderful graphics (Shrew for the anna in dress, and anna for the wrestling pics). Thanks to Jackson for his insightful advising.

See you all next time!

Dr. Beef

 
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