Heya, and welcome back to the next edition of ...and it's like that, Bitch! Thanks to all of you who e-mailed me with your comments. Happy to say all of them were positive. I even have a good friend who sent the movie reviewer from the LA Times to check it out, and she dug it too (although I don't think she quite agreed with me on my reviews)!
I got one question in an e-mail, and instead of e-mailing her back, I figured I'd just answer it here. She asked what my comment about "eating it up like a hostage at a buffet" meant. It means: they'll eat it up fast and hard. There.
So, on with the show!
I've got these neighbors across the street from me. They own this big ass dinosaur of a van. Stands about as high as the fuckin' house they live in, and the old white paint is peppered with rust and alla that happy stuff. A real piece of shit. For some damn reason, this van is equipped with the loudest, most obnoxious alarm I have ever had the displeasure of hearing in my life. Not only does it have the regular "WHEEE WHEEE WHEEE WHEEEE!" but it also has what sounds like a paramedic van siren "DEE DOO DEE DOO DEE DOO!" as well as what sounds like a cop car siren "ROOO ROOO ROOO ROOO!" All three of these highly irritating sounds are going off at once like some kind of alarm orgy and it's loud as fucking hell! I can hear the shit all the way back in my room with my fan and TV going! And the sons of bitches let that fucker go for about a half hour at say, 4 a.m.
I don't know my neighbors - I'm not the friendliest of people. I'm not the type to invite them over for a party or a beer. It's like high school. You can't pick who you go to school with. So you're stuck with even the most degenerate, diseased fucks and there's nothing you can do about it. It's the same with neighbors. I didn't pick them. And from what I've seen from most of them, I don't want to know them. The guys living next to me for example - Grade A, stereotypical yuppie fuck assholes. And not only are they yuppie fuck assholes, they also have this shitty puss-rock band. Think Creed meets Puddle of Mudd meets some other shitty puss-rock band. (Goddamn! I hate those fucking bands, but that's a whole other column.)
So, anyway, as I was saying, you can't pick your neighbors. Nor can you pick whether or not they have a stupid fucking car alarm that NO ONE pays attention to! That's right! I hate to burst the bubbles of all you people with car alarms who think you're so fucking safe from theft, but you're not! Nope. Cuz no one gives a good goddamn when they hear one going off. It takes a split second for a person to realize it's not their car, and they just go about their business. Besides, good thieves know how to disable a car alarm in two seconds, so ya ended up spending all that money for nothing. HA! If you want to protect your car from theft, I suggest buying a very large dog, injecting him with rabies, and just keep him in the back seat. That'll deter the would-be grand theft auto. And ya know what? I'm not even ashamed to say that if I saw someone stealing a car, I'd prolly just keep on walking. I don't know them, and there's a good chance that if I did meet them, I wouldn't like them. And anyway, it's not my business. Not of my concern. It'd be my concern if I tried to stop it and the bastard shot me or something. Sorry all, that's not a risk I'm willing to take for metal and rubber.
I didn't really want to write my column based on car alarms...it's been done. And it's prolly been done much better than I could do. But, I just wanted to spread the word that if your car alarm goes off for say ten minutes or so, and then you hear a loud crash and you look out to see some little guy running away, laughing his ass off and you notice that there's a brick sitting in the front seat of your car, well, that very well could be me. Yep, that's right. I'll throw a brick right through the goddamn window of your piece of shit if your alarm bothers me. Hell, I'll throw a brick right through the goddamn window of a fuckin' Lamberghini if it's bothering me. See? I don't discriminate.
So, instead of writing about how much I hate car alarms, I'm writing to urge all of you to do the same. Your neighbor's alarm keeping you awake? Does it interrupt your sex time? Or does it just plain annoy the shit out of you cuz it takes them thirty fucking minutes to turn that goddamn annoying thing off?
Throw a brick through their window. Give that fucking SAAB a reason to cry. In fact, it doesn't really have to be a brick. Anything heavy will work. Walk over and grab one of those stupid potted plants off their stoop and toss it through the back window. Or, if by chance you have nothing heavy around, walk over, drop your pants, and take a shit right on the windshield. That should show those motherfuckers.
As I sit here writing this at 5 in the morning, his car alarm is STILL going off. It's all good though; I got me a nice solid iron bar about four feet in length and I'm about to go out and play baseball with that piece of shit van. And ya know what? Fuck 'em! Good! I hope I cause eighty thousand dollars in damage and the fuckers have to declare bankruptcy to pay that hunk o shit off.
And basically, ladies and gentleman...it is like that, Bitch!
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