By spooky kid
(A series of incoherent ramblings of a sane lunatic)

(or "How to avoid writing a column")

Near the U.S.-Mexican border
15:30 hours

Note - The names have been changed because I was usually too out of it to remember their names.

This column is on how not to write a column. Or rather how I have avoided doing the task at hand for six months and how I made it look like I was doing a lot of work. My only mistake through all this is that I am not writing this for Rolling Stone and requiring an all-expense paid 2-week bender through Las Vegas. Then I would be getting something out of this rather than carpal tunnel syndrome and a hangover.

The first task is to be rounded up into writing said column for a online magazine. Throwing out a few creative ideas throws everyone off the trail that you are planning on doing jack on this. You even come up with the name of a column ... one that you will change about 15 times from origin to present time. Of course, drinking 10 hard ciders will make one volunteer for anything. Lucky it was just writing this column. I could have ended up in a worse position, like waking up and working for Scientology.

So you fly home and do what anyone else would do in this situation. You go into a level of denial that would make Nixon proud. It was all a dream ... there's no place like home ... there's no place like home.

Then comes the emails on how the column is going. The other writers inquire on what you are doing. And that is where bullshit saves the day. Yes, good old B.S. It runs industry, allows the military to do what it wants, and even kept a sex fiend not only in the White House, but it allowed him to be elected in, twice. So that is where one says things like "it's moving progressively" and "it will be a pointed analysis on society in general." In reality, one is simply trying new beer flavors and seeing how far one can get on "Silent Hill 2."

Finally, when one is cornered, you finally write the truth out. However, people will read this and conclude that it is brilliant satire. Suuuuuurrrrrrrrreeeeee. Go ahead and believe that. And Elvis is alive and well, Reagan did have a memory problem his second term, and the Democrats can get it together in 2004.

Now on to other matters ...

Next column - Ghosts and Irish Sex Cults

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