You've all been waiting, wondering with bated breath. "What will bobs and Beef do next?" you asked yourself. "Will I even be able to understand the rules this time?" Well, here it is: The Keep It Simply Schmaltzy Schmalentine Contest.

The only rules are as follows:
    - MUST be schmaltzy
    - MUST contain, in some form or another, your unlikely crush

That's IT. The rest is up to you. Now get your asses to work!

schmaltz also schmalz (shmälts)
   1.Excessively sentimental art or music.
   2.Maudlin sentimentality. (TalkingTina?)
   3.Liquid fat, especially chicken fat.

Alien Girl

bobs: An imaginary, mysterious lover. Looking away from you. It's a tear-jerker.
Beef: Yes. As she's preparing to leave herself, due to being rejected for another lover. That's pretty schmaltzy.

anna ng

bobs: Very cute, and copyrighted. I love it! The rules didn't say it had to be yours. Will you be mine?
Beef: I CHOO-CHOO-CHOOSE you! That's one of my all-time favorite Ralphisms!

 

Avacado

bobs: OMG! I just realized that she loves the blender that will soon puree her to death! Why do women make such bad choices?
Beef: There's kind of a sick masochistic schmaltz! I love it!

 

BerBaLang_

bobs: That just makes me feel ill. The very epitome of schmaltz.
Beef: Talk about sleezy! Schmaltz in many aspects of the word - particularly the chicken fat - he's just oozing with greeeeeez!

 

bitchn1/2

bobs: Ah, how can one help but have a secret crush on a one-eyed monster? It'll never work.
Beef: Monsters, chicken fat, and hearts. What more could a girl want?

 

BlueGypsy

bobs: THIS is the sleezy one! Very near pornographic. Quite sickening!
Beef: Okay, Gypsy, you're just naaaasstaaaay! That guy's just disturbing!!!

 

cocome

bobs: At last, a little sense and sentimentality.
Beef: Some old-fashioned schmaltz. But where's your crush?

 

EvilSock

bobs: Your uncertain expression toward Snarfleez as he glares at you. Sad, isn't it?
Beef: Is Snarfleez drooling?
bobs: No, that's lipstick made of chicken fat.
Beef: Ah, I see! Nice schmaltz!

 

Fuji

bobs: The daring rescue by a macho ape- so schmaltzy! A fairy tale come true!
Beef: I don't know why, but this one just makes me bust a gut! I love that expression! Are you happy to be rescued from that wimpy branch, or are you in love with the branch and fearful of the ape?

 

Gorzola

bobs: The way to a man's heart is through his stomach. Never was a truer image. I like when Beef pulls my ear, too.
Beef: In love with CHEESE? THAT'S pretty schmaltzy! Extra points to you since I'm scratching bobs!

 

gwendolyn

Beef: Who's NOT in love with PeeWee? That's what I want to know!
bobs: Yes, PeeWee-every young woman's fantasy. If only he knew.

 

Happy Meal

bobs: Now that's cute, but I'm not catching any sentimentality.
Beef: I've eaten so much Mealtucky Fried Chicken trying to get a hold of that schmaltztastic Tomb Tripper action figure!
bobs: I think he goes with that male stripper above?
Beef: He's got the fat, though, bobs...oozing out of his bucket...
bobs: (barf)
Beef: My Tomb Tripper watches me fall asleep every night...*swoon*

 

kewpie

bobs: Now there's a dream world! Girlhood dreams of a plastic prince. When will he come save me from this dreary existence?
Beef: This just oozes schmaltz. The flowers...the pink and red hearts...the baby doll lingerie...the swoontastic hunk of plastic...excuse me while I puke on bobs' shoes!

 

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kewpie

bobs: kewpie again- an excellent symbolic commentary on the overly realistic entries in this contest. Not schmaltzy, though.
Beef: I think kewpie has a career in the world of ASCII fine art!

 

KikAssGal

bobs: Nice eyework! Who wouldn't love a big fat chicken? Belllch!
Beef: Now that's a big ass chicken!!! Just don't let Happy Meal get near your unlikely love! Nice expression of love!

LemonLimei

bobs: Ahh, the lovely gingerbread man. Looks like he loves you too. Or does he consider you "Coyote Ugly?" Watch out before he chews his arm off too!
Beef: bobs? Are you getting hungry, too?

 

LemonLimei

bobs: I like the second pic. Makes you look a bit more psychotic
Beef: You two are quite the happy couple! Disturbing, but happy!

 

mateo

Beef: Wow. Who knew chicken fat could be so romantic?
bobs: Looks like your honeymoon has been interrupted by a live chicken...or are those your hands?
Beef: Are you happy to bathe with me, or is that a chicken in the water?
bobs: LOL'ed

 

raisedbycats

bobs: Isn't it schmaltzy to go against your upbringing and fall in love with another species?
Beef: What a star-crossed love schmaltz-fest youv'e got going on, raisedby. I mean, you're raisedbycats in love with a dog. Albeit a handsome dog...

 

Severus

bobs: Very very schmaltzy. Not simple though, so I'll have to dock you. Beautiful work!
Beef: *Swoon* They love me, bobs! They really love me!!! *Swoon* Sorry, though, it can't win because you used my rendition of you...but I'll give you my OWN reward, later on...

 

SONofSAB+

bobs: Don't you just get all schmaltzy when the man you love looks away? He married you though, so that must count for something!
Beef: Well, they're old, and he's holding a bucket of fat, so...

 

TalkingTina

bobs: It just pulls at my heart to see those big eyes! Such a helpless pair! *cries tears of fat*
Beef: OMG. Tina, I literally cried out "AWWWWWWWWW" when I saw this. I almost got teary-eyed. WAAAAAAHH! This epitomizes the meaning of Schmaltz.
bobs: And it's simple too!
Beef: And it's maudlin!

 

 

And now, your winners!

Third Place
mateo

bobs: Just a very good drawing! Literal, too!
Beef: Yes, the hand-drawn aspect always impresses me, and it's funny as hell!

Second Place
kewpie

bobs: kewpie tapped into my childhood fantasies. I hoped nobody would find out.
Beef: kewpie made me want to cover my eyes, but yet, I couldn't help but peer in on this illicit affair!

Grand Prize - A TIE!!
TalkingTina
BerBaLang_

Beef: BerBa's and Tina's both just define what is schmaltz in each's own way.
bobs: Berba's just makes me ill. That's my definition of schmaltz.
Beef: Agreed. You're a creep, BerBa!
bobs: Tina, that's the kind of story "other people" like. The kind who collect figurines and buy paintings by (Gotta find his name).
Beef: Thomas Kincaide, Painter of Light?
bobs: Yes!
Beef: Hummel?
bobs: L.O.L.

Beef: Congratulations to all our winners! We didn't give honorable mentions this time, as all that weren't in the top three, were close fourths! Great job EVERYONE, and thanks for entering!
bobs: Winners, check your PM's for prizes made of fat!